Addiction Solutions
Relapse Feels Horrible
Here is a great solution for the remorse. It’s one little assignment that is tried and true…if we can just pick up a pencil and paper to do it!!!
Relapse brings up a lot of guilt and shame which sucks, however it is the perfect time to get some serious baggage off of our heart. Building self-esteem happens when we take one right action at a time. First thing, write core feelings. Write the self-loathing and the feelings of utter worthlessness you feel. Example: I feel like a failure, I hate myself for the things I have done to me and others (children especially). Write the fears associated with thoughts like: I let down my fellows, what will they think of me now? I want people to like me but now they will know I am a failure. Write all the society fears associated with relapse. Write the shame of re-entering the rooms after a relapse and what that does to your reputation and how it makes you feel. GET TO THE CORE FEELINGS THAT MOST EVERY RELAPSER FEELS UNLESS THEY ARE A SOCIOPATH or can’t get honest.
I truly believe that if it were not for AA I would not be sober or sane today. This is my anniversary month and I want to express how grateful I truly am for the program. Please, Gainesville AA; gratitude is a state of mind and a feeling not an action. I will not go “gratituding” (if gratitude were an action word the ing would be correct.) I will express my gratitude by doing some 12th step service work. Ok yes this is one of my pet peeves about Gainesville AA. The PIRATE DICTIONARY by which they feel they can redefine parts of the English language. Leave it to a bunch of addicts to assert the audacity to refute the scholars and masters of the English language.
However I am making a point here. In spite of all the little errors and cultish beliefs of AA members the program works. In spite of the fact that my own sponsor has stalked her boyfriend to the gates of insanity. In spite of the fact that most AAers are working hard on smoking themselves to death with cigarettes, still I salute you. And in spite of the fact that the majority of members reek of codependency the program still works!
The 12 steps are still ordained of God and set down as a solution for the sick and suffering. In spite of the fact that Bill W. spent countless years suffering from depression and engaging in infidelity. THE PROGRAM WORKS AND IT HAS SAVED Mine AND COUNTLESS LIVES.
The question that I personally had to ask myself as I stumbled into the rooms was “What do I need and can I get it here”. That answer was yes these people obviously knew and know how to stay sober and I desperately needed that.
So, I hung in there with that character defect ridden sponsor as she took the time to spoon feed me the solutions I so desperately needed. And I watched as she kept herself sober by the 12 Steps of AA. And she picked up her own 10 year medallion years ago. I hung in with years of meetings and worked the 12 steps over and over year in and year out until I knew and worked recovery as a way of life. I taught others, I made suggestions and I shared in countless meetings, jails and rehabs.
I had a knack for speaking and I could present the steps like a pro. In AA you can learn and practice public speaking in front of hundreds of listeners free of charge. I loved it! I didn’t come to AA looking for perfection I came looking for a solution to my self destructive life patterns.
So, now as I approach my tenth year sober without a hit of crack cocaine, or a shot of heroin I still balk at the cultish dogma. And I sometimes sneer at the non-empathic beat-downs going on between members. I look on as my brothers and sisters that I love stay sober and do a little bitching themselves about certain aspects of the program.
One of the most brilliant counselors and longtime members in the program that has helped thousands upon thousands by his knowledge and ability to characteristically share wrote a book called “The Lies Told in AA”. Does that mean that he will walk away from the program because it is now full of imperfect people? HELL NO!
We must get outside help where we can, where we fit in. People do get sober in church, I did that myself one time for several years BUT the thing is, I never really fit in there like I do in AA. Church people are very much like program people. As a matter of fact church people appear to have that same empty black hole in their soul that they must fill with God to be OK.
We AAers have that in common with the church folks. Best if you are trying to stay sober to go to church, AA, AND THERAPY. Go in spite of the imperfections that are part of the human condition.
Go and get your psychic change my friend because you have earned your seat and its empty and waiting for you. So thank you AA , therapy, church and my own Higher Power for saving my life so I can engage in my own character defects, growing old, and the joys of life that sobriety has most definitely brought me.
THANK YOU ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS AND GOD
Tom B video on Emotional Sobriety and Recovery from Alcoholism
Published on May 28, 2013
Awesome share by one of the best AA speakers, Tom B. This is perhaps the BEST talk on the topic of “emotional sobriety” I have ever heard! MUST LISTEN! 🙂 From the book Alcoholics Anonymous: “In spite of the great increase in the size and span of this Fellowship, at its core it remains simple and personal. Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope.”
Here’s the link to the really good and helpful video. Tom B AA Video
IF STEP FOUR IS NOT FREAKING YOU OUT YOUR PROABLY NOT DOING IT RIGHT.
Humans generally learn by default to put on a hard emotionally protective shell so others will not see their vulnerabilities and they won’t get hurt. However oftentimes that hard shell tends to offend or trigger others emotionally before they can actually see what is going on with the person. In other words; when we are hurt we may seem just angry or mad at someone who really has nothing to do with the reason we are actually feeling unrest. Hurt and fear by default turn to anger in most alcoholics because it is a safer emotion to portray to our fellows than an emotion that appears weak. Some say depression is anger without enthusiasm with hurt at the core. We alcoholics tend to have trust issues and we are not willing to show our real emotions to anybody. We fear for our survival in this world that we see as cruel and unsafe! This my friends is the core reason so many fear and run from doing a fourth and fifth step.So what do we do? Do we continue repressing every hurt and pain of betrayal unto infinity till it takes us down? No never! Not if we are to heal and actually be able to say “Hi, I am Lori, I am an alcoholic addict in recovery.” Not if we want a redeeming psychic change…we must find someone we are willing to trust with our feelings, our shame, and our fears. We need, yes need someone in the program who will relate to us and have compassion, someone whom we can cry to.
We must for survival sake do a thorough Fourth and a thorough Fifth Step to get out the skeletons of our past that are eating our emotions and our relationships alive!
We must make our step work personal by writing and sharing our Fifth Step in the “I” context. We should state our feelings and events with honest emotion.
IT IS THE THING WE ARE MOST ASHAMED OF THAT SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF OUR LIST. A shallow and non-revealing Fifth Step with our most shameful events omitted will not help us. No, not if we are to recover our joy and obtain the miraculous psychic change needed to not only stay sober but stay sane enough that we do not choose suicide over sobriety like countless addicts and alcoholics have.
We are dying out there and we must take serious action for our true survival…”It is better to save our ass than save our face.” “Pride comes before a fall oh how deep that fall can be.” Hope is the answer, hold on to the hope that we really can get better with God at the helm of our step work.
What should I do today to start the process of working the steps?
Doing a fourth step is work. When many of us get to the rooms of a 12 step program usually we are full of guilt, remorse, shame and fear; the emotions nobody wants to admit or talk about. We have been programmed from youth not to show weakness or it will be used against us by our fellows. If we show vulnerability we are made fun of, taken advantage of, cast out, gossiped about or worse. It’s understandable that we cringe by what is asked of us in a fourth and even worse; Fifth step.
There is a saying that the truth will set us free. Humans need forgiveness from guilt, we need to be able to walk without a cloud of shame causing us to be hyper-sensitive to our interaction with others. We need the poison of deep regret to be cleansed from our hearts. We will never be relieved from guilt by denial or lies. Trying to ignore a past full of wrong decisions and hurting others will eat us up inside.
If we weigh our options to either bury our guilt and suffer a continuing soul sickness that affects every relationship we have especially the one with ourselves. Or choose to cleanse our hearts and be set free and open up the opportunity to have truly loving relationships with ourselves and others….hmmm which would we choose. Do we keep our skeletons hid to save face?
No! Saving face is a lie and the longer we keep our guilt hidden the sicker we become. We must write down all the things we are afraid and ashamed of including our deepest darkest secret to have peace and serenity. We are children of God and we are not alone. There are only seven deadly sins and most addicts are very familiar with at least a few of them. All fifth steps have been said and done before. Our sponsors are usually not shocked by them or even surprised.
The truth is not our enemy…oh contraire’! The fifth step truths will set us free and start us on our road to happy destiny. Give yourself a fighting chance my friend! We must learn to be kind to ourselves by making the steps our way of life. We will truly be reborn if we are honest.
Even though I am crying please do not think I have given up hope. Feelings are a part of me and should be expressed. Crying is a healthy emotion. What hope do I hold inside? I hope for success in every way. I want to get ahead in life financially. I pray to accomplish goals that will provide a nest-egg for me and my partner’s retirement. I pray that we can afford a new house not because I am greedy or ungrateful but rather because the one we live in is old and decaying.
I work hard to get ahead and then I see myself fail. I see some dreams slip away beyond my reach.
I know what “time” shall make us become, if we live.
So I regroup my hopes and set my eyes on the eternal, the incorruptible and have faith these hopes WILL come to pass.
Even if I don’t accomplish Earthly or carnal success now, when I die I will be with my creator. That is a much more spiritual hope. Salvation is not an achievement. Eternal life is ours as children of an eternal creator. Our evolution from birth as a human-aging-death-then we step into our eternal bodies.
I will then understand the mysteries of our universe, I will then have a deeper and much higher purpose.
Then I will not feel pain, then I will no longer cry, then I will no longer feel the separation from God that has haunted me as long as I can remember.
Being separated from God is my problem
Dying (not suicide mind you) is my ultimate solution
I see now time is very short and so I better Love while I can and that includes loving myself. I have no right to condemn or spank myself it is non-productive. Self-punishment will not help me attain my goals.
What is your Hope? When the carnal dreams are crushed reach for the spiritual dreams called hope.
The Gainesville tradition that I am referring to is that we share in our meeting “WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW IT MADE US FEEL.” We have learned that keeping secrets about our INTENSE feelings will kill us. We have learned that all the repressed emotions in the world will not change who we are. We have learned how to come to terms with who we are and to accept that. But not only accept..WE SHARE NOT ONLY “WHAT HAPPENED” BUT “HOW IT MADE US FEEL”
This is the magic children. This is the one thing that 12 step programs around the world are missing. THERE IS NO WRONG FEELING ONLY WRONG ACTIONS. If we label our feelings “wrong” we are labelling ourselves wrong. Every feeling that we have is for a valid reason and is valid. Granted we don’t share all of our feelings nor do we allow our feelings to rule over us. However, we do respect and honor our feelings, they are valid. No we don’t run around having to express every small felling we have. There is a time to say “feelings aren’t facts” and simply ignore them. But there are on the other hand feelings that are eating our lunch that need to come out… Otherwise we may slip into our old behavior of projecting and blaming others for the way we feel. So we put our intense and nagging emotions into the middle of the meeting room so they get absorbed and carried away by the Spirit of the program. This my friend is one of the most important solutions I have. It is just as important as not holding resentments. Similar article “Men in Recovery”
RESOURCES FOR PANIC ATTACKS AND ANXIETY DISORDER
I woke up angry as hell today! I went to check on a recent order I had made online. I couldn’t get into my account. I have had several problems with ordering from a certain online store so I was very aggressive with my tone when I called them. “I just want my fabric!” I realized I was wrong about the way I spoke to her so I sent her an email apology. Seems she locked me out of my account by making my email address invalid. Ouch! I never wanted to hack a system so bad in my life to get back into my account. I am angry as hell and don’t like the way that feels. I realize I have been feeling allot of anger recently.
My new and healthy emotional process works like this; I don’t shut down my emotions because that leads to anxiety and depression. But rather I ask myself why do I feel so much anger toward myself lately? Why have I felt self-destructive even? I give thanks to my Higher Power several times out loud as a defense against hate.(it works) I take a look at all the good and positive things that I have been doing lately. Sometimes flashback feelings of self-hate just happen. There are times when I regress back to my childhood my sister criticizing me my mother ignoring me and my dad invalidating my identity.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHY AM I WORKING ON SELF-RESENTMENT ISSUES WHEN IT’S EVERYONE ELSE THAT I RESENT BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRONG AND BAD? My emotions are the fault of everyone else right? Wrong! They can’t process or fix me emotionally…all they can do is give my ego a temporary fix. They can’t build my self-esteem or give me inner peace. If I often resent other people it directly reflects the way I feel about myself deep deep down within my heart. Resentments toward others are always about me. Alternatively if someone wrongs me it is appropriate to get hurt or angry by and at them. But this is different than an on-going resentment because I am able to let the anger go, anger is a healthy emotion when it flows through us rather than getting stuck and festering.
I am a worthwhile child of God I tell myself! I refuse to believe the lies my head is telling me of how worthless, and stupid I am. I AM A HUMAN BEING AND HAVE A RIGHT TO BE WHO I AM! I pray for all of those who I resent including myself. Next I get the heck out of the house and see the bright new world because…even though I woke up very angry I refuse to take my shit out on anybody which is a test of my emotional sobriety and…
THIS MY FRIEND COULD BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!__________
HERE IS THE “RESENTMENT PRAYER” FROM BB, Freedom from Bondage: 552) THANKS TO http://friendsofbillw.net/twelve_step_prayers
A 4th Step Resentment Prayer:
“God, Please help me to be free of anger and to see that the world and its people have dominated me. Show me that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments by understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Please help me show those I resent the same Tolerance, Pity and Patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.** Help me to see that this is a sick man. Father, please show me how I can be helpful to him and save me from being angry. Lord, help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can’t be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Thy will be done.”(66:2, 66:3, 66:4, 67:0, 67:1)
**Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment. (BB, Freedom from Bondage: 552)
I didn’t get sober to be miserable although at times that’s unavoidable. If I don’t learn to live life on life’s terms and have a peaceful and somewhat loving existence I may end up being one of the MANY suicidal old-timers who kills themselves when they have no-one left to blame for their misery. Unfortunately the suicide rate among alcoholics and addicts in recovery is high.
http://alcoholrehab.com/alcohol-rehab/suicide-in-recovery/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/real-healing/201402/suicide-one-addiction-s-hidden-risks
I have done a first hand survey among sober alcoholics and most people I have interviewed who have over 15 years sober know at least 3-5 people who have committed suicide while in recovery. Myself at 9 years sober know at least 2 and possibly more due to vague explanations of cause of death by authorities and family members of the deceased.
If you think about it you probably have had at least one or two in your own hometown, sober and suicidal.
Please I am not trying to be negative but rather want to express the importance of getting down to underlying causes for addiction rather than continuing to apply band-aids to emotions that require antibiotics. It’s imperative that we learn how to process our emotions in a healthy way so our emotional disorder doesn’t become grave emotional disorder. The way to do that is by getting honest about the way we feel with people who are empathic and won’t shut us down and label it self-pity. Please read my article about solutions to intense negative emotions. At a year sober we ask “what’s wrong with me?”
Things change, ideas change, and I change. I wrote this article today which is my experience with a #1 addiction offender
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/whats-wrong-with-me/
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/grave-emotional-disorder/
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/the-carrotsome-old-timers/
(This article is based on my experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous for over 10 years. )
Why is it that there are more men getting and staying sober in the program of AA than women? Why is it that we women seem to have more emotional issues that need addressing than men? Partly we just talk about our issues more, men usually repress on a much larger scale. Nevertheless we woman that do stay sober are usually more of the “tomboy” type. The very feminine and highly fragile woman rarely can get through what it takes to stay sober.
Experience teaches that us “ruff” types often bi-sexual women have a much higher chance statistically of staying sober than do the frail and feminine. (taken from Triangle Club Gainesville, Fl statistics (Triangle club meeting schedule) Clearly experience teaches it’s the “alpha” females who stay sober in much greater numbers than the more submissive woman. However, we must learn to make ourselves vulnerable emotionally rather than protecting ourselves emotionally. “Sobriety ain’t for sissies!” So bone up ladies! You can do it but it’s gonna hurt! The bad news is…we can feel again, the good news is…we can feel again. Yes and we have a boat load of emotional issues and character flaws to give to our Higher Power and to ebb-away at.
Most addict women (who I have met) were sexually abused as children, (every stripper addict I knew when I danced (I took a pole) and the women I have gotten to know in recovery have shared this information with me). I have silent theories that this commonality is the “why” behind most addictions. The guilt and shame that a young child will place on herself for something she was not equipped to fend off is astounding and life-changing. We addict woman have learned by the age of ten or younger that we can use our sexuality against men (or women) to control them, manipulate them, and force feed them guilt to get whatever we want from them.
In spite of how men have wronged and abused us it is vital that we see “our part” concerning our resentments so we can not only stay sober but more importantly…learn to Love and keep Love close to us and in us. WE DEPLOY LOVE IN DEFENSE OF FEAR. I am saying Love is of greatest importance in our recovery however we are usually incapable of showing Love or even defining what true spiritual Love is. Often we are incapable of acting out of Love in a truly giving way when we are deep in our addiction. Sobriety must be our priority if we are to fully recover.
For those of us who were abused all we really wanted when we allowed the sexual-predators affection and didn’t run to an adult and snitch the assailant out was someone to Love us. We confused physical attention with Love and we thought to get Love we had to drop our moral boundaries. We thought we had to be hurt to get what we needed. Most addict women suffer in dysfunctional relationships, it goes hand in hand with our addiction.
I have heard many stories in AA. We normally share our story with the group by the time we have 1 year sober. We share “what it was like, what happened in AA, and what it is like now”. Some of us even sold our bodies outright for money to get drugs. We were exposed to many disgusting and painful situations. Some that we barely made it out of alive. It’s no wonder we learned to hate men. It’s no wonder we learned to hate women! They were our competition they betrayed our confidence! Screw woman we thought! We could manipulate men much easier.
But now we must put our “woman’s issues” on our fourth step. We will need other women if we are to heal and stay sober. So we pray for God to put the right woman in our lives so we can experience the “sisterhood of The Spirit”. Men absolutely are incapable of relating to many aspects of our personalities therefore they are of limited use to us in recovery when working through these core woman’s issues. If we have a chance to get into a woman’s meeting we DO IT! These meetings are much more intimate and women will share things that you absolutely will not hear in a regular meeting, shares that are vital for our healing
We begin to let our abuses out of our bag of secrets. We expose some shameful actions of our past in our fifth step with a sponsor and we expose other secrets in the rooms with the woman. We will find that doing so will put in place the connection that we need to other woman. When we listen in our women’s meeting we train ourselves to LOOK FOR THE SIMILARITIES RATHER THAN THE DIFFERENCES! We lay down our staunch invisible walls of defense and blame to let healing in.
Finding someone to criticize is an old survival skill that deflects self-guilt. Criticism feeds the ego that which it needs to go-on however, criticism is not what we need now…we need empathy, we need healing and that will never come whilst seeking differences so we can criticize others. We write ourselves a note “seek the similarities don’t criticize!” and we put that in front of us in every meeting we go to until we have trained our brains and have built a bridge over the sick neuron-pathways called addiction. Our brain-bridge is called “survival for the sober”. Building a sober brain-bridge takes work and a supernatural kick so we start by attending ninety meetings in ninety days and we pray for willingness, clarity, guidance, healing, and for our Higher Power to make a way where there seems no way.
We have deep and embedded trust issues that simply must be ignored to an extent so we can get what we need. We may not be able to trust but we will nevertheless choose a sponsor and work the Fifth Step leaving no debauchery uncovered. That which we want to keep secret the most should be at the top of our fourth step. The Truth will set us free.
We put the “blame-game” in the garbage. We are responsible for processing every feeling that comes into our hearts. If we have sex with a person they owe us nothing! It is our choice whether we have sex and unless we tell the person up-front a price for that sex…they owe us nothing. Not a phone call, not to fix things for us, not to make our choices for us, nor a place to stay they owe us nothing. If we expect something from a person we are in bed with then we should be up-front about it. We can propose that if they are screwing other people we will have to leave the relationship. They are adult they can do as they please. They can make promises they won’t keep. If they don’t respect us then we leave the relationship it is our choice if we stay therefore blame is off the table. Granted we can command respect but it is us who must draw the line in the sand and walk away when it is crossed. We cannot make other adults do anything we can only request and suggest.
If we feel we have been wronged we should call a woman and talk it out. If a law has been broken we may call the cops. We often find when we talk things out with another woman, it is our unresolved issues that are haunting us rather than the person we are in bed with in the present. We addicts tend to carry an ink-blotter stamping “guilty” on anyone we are intimate with once the fairy-tale phase of the relationship is over. Not anymore! Now we journal, we write “fuck you” letters (do not send) to vent our angers. We scream alone in our cars if we have to, it helps and releases endorphins. We beat the pillow, we talk it out with woman but we do not blame anyone anymore for our feelings ever.
Even if we are wronged…can the person process our emotions for us? No! If others had the responsibility of processing and dealing with our feelings then we would be slaves to other people which we are not. We are learning how to take responsibility for our lives and our emotions. It is not easy, it is not for sissies. But you recovery sister, can do it because ‘we’ are stronger and capable of a deeper Love than most women can even imagine. Why? Because of the deep pain you have suffered.
Your emotional pain has carved out a deep dark hole in your heart. You will process that hurt and replace it with Love. That is why we women in recovery are more capable of a deeper Love than anyone who has not been through the trauma that we have. Seek God and The Sunlight of The Spirit and you shall be a vessel of joy, Love, and happiness amidst the tears that have gone un-cried for too long.
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Tools are an important part of recovery. Working the steps formally and implementing them in our lives as needed are two different things. If we get a resentment that we are unable to let go of first we pat ourselves on the back for admitting it….we don’t punish ourselves for being human. Then we can sit down and work a fourth step grid on the issue. What happened and how did it make us feel? We write the events down on paper. At the core of EVERY resentment is fear. Identifying what we are afraid of is usually not logical…it is a feeling and does not have to be logical to be valid. We write down our fears. Are we afraid of losing something associated with the “three S’s” [Sex, Society, and Security] 99% of the time fear of loss is at the core of our resentment. We revisit the third step and put our fears in our Higher Powers hands. We ask God to remove our fears, We admit that we are lacking at some level; faith and trust in our Higher Power or we wouldn’t have fears. We discuss our lack of faith with God and ask for help. We pray for the person whom we have the resentment against for a week or as long as it takes to get them out of our head. These tools are common solutions to our emotional disorder. We are not hard on ourselves because we know we are making progress and we just showed ourselves the Love it takes to heal! Emotional sobriety means learning how to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions.
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