It says in the Big Book that resentment is the number one offender. That means it will get us drunk or high before any other emotion. And sure, I get that.
RESOURCES FOR PANIC ATTACKS AND ANXIETY DISORDER
I woke up angry as hell today! I went to check on a recent order I had made online. I couldn’t get into my account. I have had several problems with ordering from a certain online store so I was very aggressive with my tone when I called them. “I just want my fabric!” I realized I was wrong about the way I spoke to her so I sent her an email apology. Seems she locked me out of my account by making my email address invalid. Ouch! I never wanted to hack a system so bad in my life to get back into my account. I am angry as hell and don’t like the way that feels. I realize I have been feeling allot of anger recently.
My new and healthy emotional process works like this; I don’t shut down my emotions because that leads to anxiety and depression. But rather I ask myself why do I feel so much anger toward myself lately? Why have I felt self-destructive even? I give thanks to my Higher Power several times out loud as a defense against hate.(it works) I take a look at all the good and positive things that I have been doing lately. Sometimes flashback feelings of self-hate just happen. There are times when I regress back to my childhood my sister criticizing me my mother ignoring me and my dad invalidating my identity.
WAIT A MINUTE! WHY AM I WORKING ON SELF-RESENTMENT ISSUES WHEN IT’S EVERYONE ELSE THAT I RESENT BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRONG AND BAD? My emotions are the fault of everyone else right? Wrong! They can’t process or fix me emotionally…all they can do is give my ego a temporary fix. They can’t build my self-esteem or give me inner peace. If I often resent other people it directly reflects the way I feel about myself deep deep down within my heart. Resentments toward others are always about me. Alternatively if someone wrongs me it is appropriate to get hurt or angry by and at them. But this is different than an on-going resentment because I am able to let the anger go, anger is a healthy emotion when it flows through us rather than getting stuck and festering.
I am a worthwhile child of God I tell myself! I refuse to believe the lies my head is telling me of how worthless, and stupid I am. I AM A HUMAN BEING AND HAVE A RIGHT TO BE WHO I AM! I pray for all of those who I resent including myself. Next I get the heck out of the house and see the bright new world because…even though I woke up very angry I refuse to take my shit out on anybody which is a test of my emotional sobriety and…
THIS MY FRIEND COULD BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!__________
HERE IS THE “RESENTMENT PRAYER” FROM BB, Freedom from Bondage: 552) THANKS TO http://friendsofbillw.net/twelve_step_prayers
A 4th Step Resentment Prayer:
“God, Please help me to be free of anger and to see that the world and its people have dominated me. Show me that the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, has the power to actually kill me. Help me to master my resentments by understanding that the people who wrong me were perhaps spiritually sick. Please help me show those I resent the same Tolerance, Pity and Patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.** Help me to see that this is a sick man. Father, please show me how I can be helpful to him and save me from being angry. Lord, help me to avoid retaliation or argument. I know I can’t be helpful to all people, but at least show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Thy will be done.”(66:2, 66:3, 66:4, 67:0, 67:1)
**Dear God, I have a resentment towards a person that I want to be free of. So, I am asking you to give this person everything I want for myself. Help me to feel compassionate understanding and love for this person. I pray that they will receive everything they need. Thank you God for your help and strength with this resentment. (BB, Freedom from Bondage: 552)
I didn’t get sober to be miserable although at times that’s unavoidable. If I don’t learn to live life on life’s terms and have a peaceful and somewhat loving existence I may end up being one of the MANY suicidal old-timers who kills themselves when they have no-one left to blame for their misery. Unfortunately the suicide rate among alcoholics and addicts in recovery is high.
I have done a first hand survey among sober alcoholics and most people I have interviewed who have over 15 years sober know at least 3-5 people who have committed suicide while in recovery. Myself at 9 years sober know at least 2 and possibly more due to vague explanations of cause of death by authorities and family members of the deceased.
If you think about it you probably have had at least one or two in your own hometown, sober and suicidal.
Please I am not trying to be negative but rather want to express the importance of getting down to underlying causes for addiction rather than continuing to apply band-aids to emotions that require antibiotics. It’s imperative that we learn how to process our emotions in a healthy way so our emotional disorder doesn’t become grave emotional disorder. The way to do that is by getting honest about the way we feel with people who are empathic and won’t shut us down and label it self-pity. Please read my article about solutions to intense negative emotions. At a year sober we ask “what’s wrong with me?”
Things change, ideas change, and I change. I wrote this article today which is my experience with a #1 addiction offender