Daily Meditation 10-13-13
Because of what life throws at us quality sobriety doesn’t always look pretty. At times the
appropriate sober emotional response is to throw down the mask and promptly fall apart.
Because of what life throws at us quality sobriety doesn’t always look pretty. At times the
appropriate sober emotional response is to throw down the mask and promptly fall apart.
Article originally written June 2014.
|“If anybody knew how I really felt inside they would know that I am not doing well in my recovery. I feel like something is wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong! I am sober but I am depressed, I am sober but I still have anxiety attacks. I mustn’t tell anyone how I feel or they will know I am not really emotionally sober. I don’t have quality recovery how could I if I did I would not feel like this.”Hmm??? Ever hear anybody share the above statements in a meeting? Most likely you answered no. However the above scenarios show the way that many addicts think and feel even though they have worked the steps and regularly work steps ten through twelve.WHY????????????
First let’s define this type of thinking and what it’s connected to in us. Let’s explore the dreaded word, feeling, and thought called “SHAME”. Alcoholism & addiction have been explored and painstakingly researched by many experts who have finally defined addiction as a “shame based disease”.In the Big Book it is written that alcohol is but a symptom of an underlying problem. And that we alcoholics suffer from spiritual and emotional maladies. So what is this underlying malady and how do I fix it? In “How it Works” it is written that some of us suffer from “grave emotional disorders”. It says that those who suffer from these disorders can also get better and stay sober. Well guess what ALL ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS SUFFER FROM EMOTIONAL DISORDER in my opinion. It takes some serious open-mindedness and lots of journaling, meetings, therapy, working with a sponsor, prayer and meditation to get in touch with and admit to ourselves our underlying malady of shame.Shame tells us that we are not worthy of a Higher Powers Love. Shame tells us that we don’t deserve anything good. Shame tells us that we are bad, wrong, evil, and that we must keep who we are a secret or we will never have anything we want or need. Starting the day from the platform of shame blocks us off from so many good and spiritual things. It causes us to have to justify and defend ourselves. It causes us to be in defensive mode. It shuts us off from Love. Shame shuts us off from God even in our prayers we block off certain parts of our heart hiding parts of us from our Higher Power in hopes that even He, It, She will Love us if we pretend to be someone we are not.
We must first realize that we are human and we will never be perfect as long as we are human so we can never ever approach God as a perfect and totally worthy person. We must quit hiding and keeping secrets from God and man.
We should lay on the bed or floor stretch our arms out as far as we can to our sides focus on God and expose all of our heart to God. We should approach our Higher Power in all honesty and transparency and say; “here I am just as I am, I want a relationship with You I need your help.”
We are our Higher Powers creation and we were created INCOMPLETE that’s why we feel so incomplete. Not because we are bad, wrong, unworthy etc. but because that’s the way we were made. We are only complete & fulfilled when we exercise an ongoing relationship with our creator. Fulfillment, enlightenment, encouragement, comfort, and healing are some of the things we get from opening up to our creator. That’s why the steps work, they show us how to have a spiritual connection with our creator.
WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL GOOD ALL THE TIME
NEGATIVE THOUGHTS THAT ATTACH THEMSELVES TO MY FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS.” FEELINGS themselves ARE FACTS because they are very real to us and come from our hearts experiences. It’s the thoughts that get us in trouble. If we don’t honor our feelings and journal them, talk about them then we are dishonoring and invalidating who we are. Our unhappy feelings come from somewhere real and often times we need to do some crying, some screaming (not at anyone) some beating the bed with our fists to get these intense feelings out in a healthy way so they don’t come out sideways at other people.
All humans have a capacity to be hurt emotionally by others, if we do not have a healthy outlet for hurt it will evolve into anger and continue to live inside us until we connect with it and express it in a healthy non-attacking way.
Depression is anger without enthusiasm
WE DO NOT RAMBLE ABOUT HOW BAD OTHER PEOPLE ARE AND WHAT THEY DID TO US UNLESS IT’S ON PAPER. WE ONLY NEED TO SAY IT ONCE OUTLOAD, IN A MEETING AND AGAIN TO OUR SPONSOR OR EMPATHIC LISTENER. It’s the talking about “how it made me feel” that heals us. It made me feel worthless for example or it made me feel dirty etc.
We woman will die if we don’t talk about the way we feel. Criticizing others, character assassination and living in blame are character defects that we should not confuse with the expression it takes for healthy emotional order.
ACTION: What about anxiety? The fourth step in the Big Book has an exercise called the “fear list”. We write down all our core fears, we explore them.
REMEMBER FEARS COME FROM OUR HEART AND DO NOT HAVE TO BE LOGICAL. Just because our mind knows we don’t have to fear something if our heart fears it we should recognize it and honor it. Furthermore we should not let our shame throw us into the deep river of denial. Our fears need expression if we want to stop the anxiety attacks. So we write all our fears down and consider them. We realize we are not trusting God and that our faith is sometimes little if we are in fear. So rather than sticking our fear in the “denial box” we stick it in the “God Box”. We then ask God to remove our fears and help us to rely on him, it, or her.
THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTIONS: Why is screaming a natural response to intense fear? Screaming releases boatloads of endorphins and is a solution to fear. Why do some soldiers come back from the war with PTSD and others don’t who have the exact same experiences? Because often times we were taught that our expressions of fear and hurt and anger are wrong, bad, weak, stupid, ugly, disgusting etc. We were taught that our healthy emotional expression was wrong by some adult when we were very young and so we believed them and we became ashamed and shut down our own healthy emotional process.
God gave us vocal cords for a reason we can either save our face or save our ass! It’s time to let the emotional child within us out of the box so she, he can have a half way decent recovery.
Give your worries & fear to your Higher Power who can handle it. Do not allow fear/shame programming to cause hidden and repressed fear. Fear should be acknowledged & faced head on so it doesn’t gain power over out actions. Fear is part of the human condition (for now anyway) & for good reasons. Fear run riot on the other hand, when acted upon in negative ways become the problem.
False Pride is One of my Dominate Temptations of that I confess.
If Staying Sober is what you need to learn today…do not read this article. I have many many other articles on how to stay sober. I have been sober since 2006. That’s 14 years or so. Ten of which I have taken some kind of doctor prescribed non narcotic drug. Be clear I don’t take opiates, that would cause me dysfunctional addiction and horrible consequences.
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What is the difference between reprogramming and healing? Healing from addiction involves both emotional recovery and the reprogramming of mental habits, thought processes and results in a new self image. If healed they are no longer defensive
In this day and age for those saved souls who know Jesus the most important prayer we can say may be “Father, let me NOT be deceived”. Below is the video that helped open my eyes to The Great Deception of TV.
Please watch the video above then read the short story or visa versa.
I want to tell you a story of heartfelt truth. It’s not a made up story but I may use some allegories. Picture a little girl. Little Elior is her name. Little Elior has parents who love her but they know little about emotional nurturing. They don’t know how confidence and self worth are built because, well they have little of their own…they punish by guilting and shaming. They punish by violence. Even the father “spanks” little Elior at a very young innocent age. Naturally little Elior believes if her father hits her she deserves to be hit. And the messages she repeatedly got from school, & parents were that she, not her actions were bad and wrong.
What this article really is, is my great awakening catalogued for you to see in plain sight. This is 4 years of research and revelation I give you. It’s very scary and very true. Pray for faith so you can bear it.
NEWS FLASH! Satan IS the ruler of this world and YOU were/are an addict by design. The more abuse you endured in the formative and teen years the more likely your calling from God IS. Were you targeted? Did the voices in your head tell you “your a piece of shit”? The dark side fears you because God will give you POWER & MIGHT if you seek Him.
You are not ultimately responsible for who you were as an addict, or who you have become. But you ARE responsible for learning, & changing. Please, knowing the “WHY” behind addiction does not change the solutions whatsoever. Neither will knowing “why” keep you sober.
Sleep on lost sheep sleep on. Perhaps is was Jesus Himself who changed this KJVB scripture from “awaken the time is at hand” to “sleep-on” as if Jesus would encourage blindness and spiritual complacency. As if Jesus would encourage the destruction of a precious soul. For the lost sheep will not awaken until after certain events occur. When they awaken it shall be the final harvest and if repentance is unavailable to a man at that time it shan’t be good.
THESE ARE THE SONS OF **&^%% WHO PAID SOME BLACK HAT SEO TO SPAM MY WEBSITE. HERE ARE THEIR NEFARIOUS LINKS. They sent SPAM from “email@example.com” SPAMMERS at firstname.lastname@example.org. This means that these people wanted their website advertised and resorted to hiring SEO who in turn use bots that blast innocent website comment sections with these needy links. Then we wp developers have to either delete all these or get overloaded with spam.
They posted all these on just one contact form post
Addiction is not a Disease, but rather it is a spiritual malady and force of habit. It is a poor self image and the presence of a broken heart. Our heart can be healed and our habits can be changes. We won’t relapse if we take the time to respect ourselves enough to realize not only did we hurt others but others hurt us deeply. The certainly taught us as children that we were inferior and bad. So we spent the rest of our days trying to prove that it wasn’t true while our own hearts believed that it was.
What can I say? I have been passionate about recovery for years. I made my Recovery Farmhouse websites back at around 6 or 7 years sober. Since then I have written hundreds of articles and engage in numerous Facebook group posts. I have worked in AA for years on end being a member of a home-group and being a sponsor. I have held positions in my homegroup such and chairman, secretary, and the like.
See the details here: https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/programmed-from-birth-to-be-addicted/
Why New Age concepts protect the criminal ruling elite so well. Can you say “agenda 21”? Can you say “brain washing” and can you say….”KOOL”? The concept of “kool” is one of the most significant mind control tools in the United States today. Once through TV and MEDIA the ruling elite have established an ideal as “un-kool”, THEY HAVE US. Example: ‘Negativity’.
Children are not born hating themselves. They are taught they are wrong at a young age by propaganda that produces self loathing. From that point on we commence to fixing what we feel is wrong, OUR OWN HEART’S VOICE, and the “ME” our truth and our identity. This perception of “I am wrong I am different” is by design.
Sounds like a rationalization, to say, “programmed for addiction” but it’s a truth and realization. Sounds as if it were said by a struggling addict who hasn’t been sober long that we must quickly discount and recite, “some are sicker than others”.
read on and watch the video below to see how programming occurs in humans. It wasn’t until over seven years sober that I realized what formed my personality toward addiction. It wasn’t until more than eleven years sober that I realized the emotional indoctrination that happens to all public school students including our parents.
If you don’t know the true reason for addiction just make up a reason and run with it. After all, alcoholics are skilled at the art of denial and bullshit. We fool ourselves first then we fool the world.
Let’s face it recovering alcoholics are commonly desperate for a valid cause to pin their miseries on. Sometimes in the form of co dependency and blame. Other times in the form of playing up a tragedy that really doesn’t affect us. We jump at the chance for a valid process of grief…seldom does anyone ever accept and validate our true grief if and when we have the balls and self honesty to find out what that is. Most recovering addicts have pushed their emotions so far away from their heart that they grasp the “disease concept” in order to validate their reason for drinking and drugging. When truth is IT’S ALL EMOTIONAL. Very few addicts ever adapt more than the “textbook answer (Big Book)” for WHY DID YOU DRINK CORROSIVELY BROTHER? It’s not our fault we can seldom answer this question with a true to life cause.
More will be revealed. I am watching to see as my most informative Youtube channels of truth seekers are systematically deleted. Lets hope I Info-wars is wrong about this and that Google does have our best interest at heart.
Mike Adams’, The Health Ranger YouTube channel has been terminated.
Need a healing? Seek out this preacher. He does have the gift of healing, deliverance, and revelation.
Third Step Prayer short version
God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and The way of life. May I do Thy will always!
We want to choose a god deserving of our faith not an inanimate object that has less power than the man who installed it into the door. Why not seek God with our heart in prayer? Seek and we will find. Could it be our resentment, pain, and hurt is much too deep to even consider seeking a god whom we feel is the reason we have suffered? Or is our desire to control all things too strong in us to risk relinquishing control? Our pain and consequences of active addiction must be more intense than our fear of the unknown and giving up control.
Continue reading “Who is your Higher Power?”
Read this story to possibly find your answer…….
There was a blessed spirit in Heaven it could fly; it was completely sustained by the light of God that was readily available in the beyond where it existed. We will call the blessed spirit Elior. Elior could travel from realm to realm, planet to planet; dimension to dimension he could take any shape he wanted. The realm that housed the seven Earths (God did create seven) were only one of the realms that Elior had toured. There was a realm called “Ecstasy”, the realm of “Wisdom”, the powerful realm of “Love”,
We don’t just quit feeling fear or pain in recovery but rather we find ways to let it out that work. Pretending I don’t feel hurt or fear because of AA status quo that says “If you are afraid your not working a good program” is bullshit. WE DON’T STOP FEELING. What we do is learn what to do with the feelings that bother us when they crop up. The same man will drink again and dry drunks have no idea how to get real about their hearts voice. Use the feelings poster attached to identify feelings in early recovery. Every feeling happens because of a valid reason.
I do get emotionally triggered. I am not a brick wall. Tuff girl act is not synonymous with recovery. I am not on the streets smoking crack and trying to survive. I don’t have to put on an act of bad-ass anymore. I didn’t come to AA to continue wearing a mask of deception. I am a human woman. I have feelings that make me feel vulnerable. I know what to do with negative feelings when they happen because I was taught to share, write, use expression by exercise, beat the bag, beat the bed. This stuff works to get anger and hurt out. Also honest non attacking conversation about “what happened and how it made me feel” is therapeutic to my soul. If I just blame others for my whip-lash feelings my heart won’t heal. Recovery starts with prayer first and on going.
Fear crops up, shame, guilt resurfaces at times, and anger is a human emotion and part of me as is pain, hurt, insecurity, inferiority, fear of what people think and the rest.
Fight or flight tends to run rampant in addicts. Defense Mode isn’t intended for entertainment. Defense and attack should not be used to gain fake self worth. Defense isn’t something I should take lightly to use at the drop of a hat. Sarcasm is defense mode and dishonest.
Recovery 101 “CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES” I ask myself…Am I in ‘CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER’? Or has my ego been triggered by the hoards of baggage I may be carrying around.
Every fourth step should include MY FEAR, SHAME, and GUILT. Step five should include the stuff that makes me squirm to keep it secret. Every Step Nine should say “I was wrong and am sorry”. When I clear the wreckage and make amends (including pay-back amends when applicable) it clears my head to see more clearly and not be so apt to hit defense or fight or flight mode for things that are NOT ‘CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER’.
Feelings are real. If most of us had not been taught to shut down healthy emotions early on our natural emotional processes would not have backed up in us. We would not have gotten sick. Getting to core reasons for emotional triggers and learning I am emotionally constipated is part of getting well. If I am too busy defending I will never get to the part of recovery where I accept myself and am doing a legitimate step 6-7. COPYING THE OTHER GUYS WORK/paper ON THIS DOESN’T WORK. It’s our own heart we need to expose to the light of God and of Man.
If your sponsor isn’t empathic and can’t relate to your fifth step he is the wrong sponsor. Fake step work makes for fake recovery. We no longer have to hide who we are if we get the right AA fellows around us who are real also.