HOW DO RECOVERING ADDICTS & ALCOHOLICS DEAL WITH MONEY?

MONEY AND THE RECOVERING ADDICT. FREEDOM FROM COMPULSIVE SPENDING.

How do addicts handle their finances after years of spending money on the wrong things and suffering the regret? In the past personally I crossed many moral boundaries to make my money and then spent it on drugs instead of paying the bills, buying important things for my family and myself. Since I now have years of sober time under my belt I do question my occasional compulsive spending, I analyse it and am now sharing it with you.

I remember at the start of my recovery I continued in my willingness to cross moral boundaries to get money a time or two when I needed that money to get to a meeting or put toward my rehab stay. I had the gift of desperation that is a key in opening the lock of sobriety. I don’t save money well I never have. Neither have my parents, they didn’t teach me good financial planning or skills. However since I have been sober I do much better with my money, I get my bills paid even though sometimes they are late. I enjoy shopping but if I know a bill is due I usually pay it first. I say “usually”.

When it comes to walking in a Wal-mart with a pocket full of money even though all I need is a gallon of milk I will tell myself “I know there’s something I need” just so I can shop. Shopping is a high for me and if I go to the grocery store hungry I may forget all about my bills temporarily until I get home and wish I hadn’t spent so much money. I wonder…is it the shopping or the beating myself up that I get more satisfaction from. Maybe subconsciously the thought of just being good bores me to tears and since I no longer drink and drug because it became too painful I must replace that debauchery with another of a different flavor. One thing sure if we are busy doing Step 12 we won’t have time for self abuse.

The cycle of guilt is a merry-go-round that does not enjoy being put to rest. Whether it be illicit sex, stealing, yelling at our loved ones, gossip, over-eating, or greed recovering addicts seem to have a need to keep the merry-go-round of guilt and self-punishment alive. After all what will we do with out emotions and thoughts if we don’t have some negative aspect of ourselves or others to focus on?

The 12 steps help us to STOP the cycle of guilt and remorse. Perhaps not completely however, believe it there are degrees of guilt. Remorse can be so deep that it becomes intolerable after all where does depression step from if not from a deep nagging dissatisfaction of one’s self? The program gives us all kinds of new things to focus on and yes new things to criticize and balk at. Aren’t the very nature of steps 1,4,6,7,8,9, & 10 about asking ourselves “what have I done wrong today and in the past”? YES THEY ARE however the steps offer us solutions to that guilt so we don’t have to walk around ashamed of who we are. Without steps two, three, five, eleven and 12 our wonderful recovery program is nothing more than [ more of the same], more insanity and a continued process of self-abasement without the solutions. At the same time without the self-examination of our shortcomings we cannot clear the wreckage of our past and put our emotions from “disorder” to order, It is completely understandable why so many people take a peak at AA and then decide it’s not for them. They see all the negative self-examination and say “It does me no good to dwell on the past there is nothing I can do about it now its gone.” To an extent they are spot on and that is the best attitude if a person does not have steps 2,3, 5, 11,12.

Ignoring and repressing guilt will only get us so-far. Unprocessed emotions will come out of us in the form of criticisms, gossip, verbal attacks on other people, and it will turn bitter inside of our bellies and prompt us to jealousy, envy, and make us sick. Repressed guilt turns to shame which turns to fear and hate. We as recovering addicts need the 12 steps like a fish needs water. We must not give way to homicidal and suicidal thoughts but instead have the courage to do self-examination and admit our wrongs and then tell someone about it. We must let the cat out of the bag by doing our Fifth Step which is so important for our emotional recovery. Our relationship with God is so important but we must have at least one confidant that we can tell anything to. Where there is no sense of accountability personalities digress.

So how does all this fit in with our finances? We recognize when and if we are using money to continue somehow our cycle of shame and guilt. If we learn to work the 12 steps properly and as women focus on our feelings when doing so and honor them by validating and sharing them in our fifth step we can then let the pain go rather than hold onto it like Gollum held on to the ring….his Precious. We shall put our emotions into a state of “order” rather than sick and depressive “disorder”. By admitting that we do experience guilt and shame instead of labeling such feelings weak and shameful we can and will simply grow out of them.

July 30, 2014

FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS

Step Eleven

THE BIG BOOK

FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!

GOOD FEELINGS FOLLOW RIGHT ACTIONS MORE ACCURATELY PUT.

“On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all Gad gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. “ This quote is taken from pg. 86 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Today my mind may be telling me that my life is a disaster and that I am a mess! I refuse to believe this because today I am taking action for my recovery and my well-being. Today I will help others & do no harm. I will exercise, eat right, and go to a meeting.

Many times before I joined AA and learned how to live and take responsibility for my own actions I used to often say “I don’t feel like it!” I said this in response to being faced with many responsibilities. I said it when people asked me to go places, on social outings, to the beach, on a road trip, pretty much in response to anything that would take me out of my isolation and out of the state of sloth.

I used to think I had to wait until my feelings were right to do the task at hand. I would get to-it when I felt up to it. I feared somehow that it would hurt me to take an energetic action. Somehow I felt I had to nurture the deep emotional pain that was inside of me. Depression & isolation were my bedfellows. Not to mention I feared subconsciously the unknown and felt it was a risk to go to new places and do new things. However what I feared was an illusion.

I have since learned by working the steps and addressing core issues that feelings nine times out of ten, are a result of my actions and I can act my way into good feelings. Please understand that healthy emotions include a certain amount of grief, hurt, pain, and anger and so-on that should be neither ignored nor shrugged off. We should not put a mask over our feelings nor should we let them rule us.

Emotional balance in recovery and understanding when to ignore feelings and when they should be addressed & processed takes time and much work. In early recovery it’s beneficial to both explore our feelings with a therapist or empathic listener on a regular basis and to spend time doing recovery based activities, laughing and forgetting ourselves and all our self-consciousness. However we mustn’t swing from one extreme to the other. Labeling all feelings character defect based is very dangerous but also labeling all feelings a priority at all times is just as dangerous. Just because our feelings are always valid does not mean we let them paralyze us or always give-in to tears.

Good feelings do follow right and constructive actions. If I get up in the morning and feel like crap I do not have to make my day follow suit. I don’t have to create a crappy day. I must not allow my feelings to rule over me and oppress me. If my character defect is sloth then the spiritual remedy is to repeatedly take action contrary to sloth such as go for a run or go outside grab the hose and pour cold water over my body and take a walk. If I clean my house I will feel better about myself. (Opinion) Sloth is a spirit that attaches itself to humans and tells us immobilizing lies that we hear in our mind.

Sloth is the enemy of recovery as is wrath. If I am angry I should never, ever take it out on those around me. Again in early recovery we must learn outlets for anger. Denial and distraction works for a while but it is not a solution. The rage I feel inside is MINE I need to own it and then learn the solutions for it. I have written many articles on the solutions for anger. Anger is not the defect of character wrath is.

My message today…..feelings follow actions not the other way around. You are a beautiful child of a Creator. God don’t make junk! No one taught you how to deal with the intense feelings that drove you to drink and drug therefore you are innocent. You, if you are an alcoholic or addict are a sick person trying to get well not a bad person trying to get good. In this way its true AA is not a moral program. However if you continue working on the steps and stay in meetings, work with others and do the maintenance steps of 10, 11, and step 12 you will learn to follow your heart and this will bring you peace and morality both. All morality really is, is the act of following one’s own heart of which we also call the conscience.

We in early recovery must first learn what our true heart’s desire is so we may follow it to find peace. Many of us for survival sake learned to disconnect our hearts truths from both our intellect and our sense of reality through deep denial. He who learns to follow his own heart and resists perfectionism has found wisdom.

March 3, 2014

ISOLATING

Life on life’s terms

Sometimes for those of us recovering from the traumas of abuse, abandonment, neglect, and addictions sobriety gets tough. Life on life’s terms seems to drag us into a rut and the negative thoughts takes hold…Ouch! Its ok it happens to the best of us. However we need to remember that staying home in our safe caves watching our favorite programs on TV will eventually compound our negativity if we continue there. Though it seems cozy and safe do not be deceived, what we really need is to get up, put our shoes on, get some exercise, go to a meeting, go for a swim, a bike ride, bird watching, or any other bright and lively activity we can think of in spite of the way we feel.What daylight and nature does is renew our minds and feeds positive energy into our soul. Going to meetings gives us food for thought keeping our mind sober. If we share our experience, strength, and hope in a Loving way it feeds fulfillment to our soul. We are one with the universe; we become who we think we are. Being one with creation gives us the power to attract success and joy. However we must keep our minds on a positive track and sometimes that means getting very real with our Higher Power by praying for more of Its/His/her positive energy to enlighten and refresh our weary bones. Without a refreshing of our minds now and again things can get very hum drum and mundane and then down right depressing. Be compassionate toward yourself if you are feeling down. It doesn’t help to be angry and criticize ourselves for feeling the human emotion of sadness. Remember that will feed the negativity. Instead be kind get out of the problem by taking action into the solutions that you know work. Recovery is: to not let our feelings rule us anymore. We become strong when we pick ourselves up in spite of what our feelings are telling us to do. Good feelings follow right actions not the other way around. Sometimes we will start feeling better when we get just a block down the road.Bill Wilson and the authors wrote some great prayer examples on page 86 & 87 of the Big Book under step eleven to start our day. You are God’s child you are of great value; you are special and have a sacred calling, a mission in life that is to be fulfilled. God will give you what you need to leave your great and humble mark upon this Earth. The good works we do for your fellows WILL echo in eternity! Don’t believe for a minute the lie that tells you otherwise.