WE DON’T HAVE TO HATE OURSELVES ANYMORE….
FLASHBACK FEELINGS -I woke up this morning with the feeling of impending doom. The feeling that I am bad, that I have done something wrong, that I am not good enough or am good enough and just don’t do what I should.
The Old Me
I had a dream the first year I got sober. (I have been sober nearly 10 years today) this dream in early recovery revealed to me the personalities in my head that drove me to addiction. In AA we like to call them the “committee”. These personalities for me are three people. One is a brassy red headed “bitch” for lack of a more precise term. She loves to tell me how worthless I am. She loves to put me down by never ever looking at my accomplishments or my good deeds. This brassy haired bitch cuts me down at any opportunity. If she gets her way….I will hate myself utterly. She will never ever be satisfied with my actions and who I am. She is the personification of Hate and if I listen to her and forget who she is I will believe her and fall into her awful deception. My self-worth will become skewed. I must be aware of her at all times and ignore her incessant lies. Giving myself positive affirmations and seeing myself as a literal child, innocent, good, and spiritual fends her off. Giving thanks aloud to my higher power silences the bitch. Taking a walk, going to a meeting, writing my feelings, fears, and thoughts, these all silence her.
My second and third personalities who wants to destroy me iare “sloth” and his brother “false pride” The first man lies in bed at all times. He will not and cannot get out of bed. Beside his bed are bleachers filled with an audience this audience watches him at all times and he is aware of them. What this man wants me to do is stay in bed and do nothing like him. No work no fun no social life no exercise no showers no shopping no eating, especially no cooking to eat right.
Subconsciously fear tells me that if I stay paralyzed then the red-headed bitch can’t tell me my actions are worthless…at least that’s what the man in the bed thinks. If I do nothing I won’t get an “F” on my report card of life. If I stay hidden from the world I won’t be a failure. But that won’t stop the bitch really it only makes her stronger. If I let fear paralyze me it will cause more fear. My mind will become more and more negative. The 12 steps, the program of AA or NA, meditation, therapy, nature, pets, love, dancing, exercise, step five. These are all solutions that combat fear and negativity. My words have power I should never speak harshly to myself or others. It hurts me by giving power to a supernatural negative karma.
The male personification also wants me to think that the world revolves around me and that everyone is watching what I do. He wants me to think that people are judging me harshly, and that I need to perform and wear a mask for the audience in the bleachers. He tells me that I need to put on a production, a facade rather than actually live my life for me and be honest to people. He wants me to repress all my feelings and fears and pretend I am some perfect human with a perfect life. The F.I.N.E. syndrome- Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, & emotional.
My fourth personality is a little girl. She is a victim who is afraid. She doesn’t think that she has any value. People have abused her and been very mean to her. People that she trusted have betrayed her. The little girl has been wronged and told that she is worthless many times over. She is a direct reflection of my injured heart.
My older sister was very mean and critical of me from the very moment she became threatened and jealous of me at a very young age. My parents never knew they should validated my feelings and encourage me…I became afraid to confide anything to anyone at a very early age. They made sure to let me know that if I felt it then “it” was wrong. I was molested and abused and never ever told anyone, they did not have a role of protector for me whatsoever. I thought I was bad and it was my fault. This little girl was the wounded and sick “me” until I healed and learned to process feelings and fears. The other personalities are my survival skills as twisted as they may be. Emotional processing and communication skills are CRUCIAL for women to maintain healthy emotions. Learn here: https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/12-steps-and-the-right-therapy-go-hand-in-hand/
Getting to know our addict is very helpful. How? To be aware of the core reasons that we have tried so hard to numb even destroy ourselves is part of the healing process. We should learn to love all aspects of ourselves and to be understanding as to why we did or do what we do. We were children when our psyches were formed. Many of us addicts just didn’t have a chance emotionally. But we can change our self-image can change. Think of recovery as not destroying those personalities of our addict but rather we silence them. They are no longer on the forefront of our personality. We literally built a new identity in AA. Now Who am I really?
Next I give you an assignment if you will. I have discovered who I really am. And if you are clean and sober you can discover who you really are as well. Not the addict who would love to surface, not the injured child but rather the pure soul level person who was created by God absent of all the wounds, flaws and character defects. After we clear away the wreckage of our past by working the 12 steps and getting therapy who do we find walking in our shoes? For a time it’s helpful to take on the A.A. persona. Quoting lots of cliches and only doing A.A. sanctioned activities. But at some point we are living the program, it’s now time to re-define who we are outside of A.A. After all walking and talking like an A.A robot is just another form of fear and hiding who we are. It’s time to embrace our true and innocent selves. Here are my findings after clearing my own wreckage. I encourage you to write your own three natures down. This is an empowering exercise.
The New Me
MY THREE NATURES
The Shaman, the Priestess. I am connected to my Higher Powers and I hear my Spirit Guides clearly. I do what is best for me and others. I know my shortcomings and keep them in check. I am aware of my core issues and work through them when they come up. I walk in the Light, Strength and Power of God! I have visions of past, present and future. I can look deep into your eyes and see your heart and soul, I am spiritually gifted and use my gifts to heal.
I am a sensitive child of God who can be hurt emotionally because today I can feel and that’s good. I am a human being and God created me with feelings. I don’t have to claim I don’t care what anybody thinks because that would be a lie. Wanting people to love me, care about me, and think highly of me are all God given traits they in no way make me weak. I am a strong and courageous child he above all just wanted to be Loved and be fulfilled by her Higher Power. I have to cry sometimes to clear out the emotional cobwebs. I know what the world is I accept it but don’t like some of it. I side with truth. I love color and fantasy and the supernatural. I am open-minded and non-judgmental.
My third Nature is a strong and powerful woman who in real life has overcome many obstacles and predators. The powerful woman is athletic and a fighter if need be. She is a survivor. She-I am a writer and seamstress a mother a protector. I have the power to give and to receive. I know how to make money and get what I need to keep a roof over me and my Childs head. I love travel and am comfortable doing anything alone that I do with a partner. I don’t need anyone in particular. I do not rely on anyone person I am self-supporting. When I fail I get back up. I am a student humble enough to be taught and I am a teacher strong and confident enough to teach. I can easily speak in front of a room full of people. I start the day with a knowledge of my character flaws so I don’t have to engage in them. My Higher Power said (Jesus) The things I do you can do also…and more.