If Nothing Changes- Nothing Changes. Heart Level Recovery Is Always God Grounded.
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Recovery From Addiction.
My Heart is warmed when I remember my first year of recovery. I was so relieved to be free
of the drink and drugs that I beamed with anticipation and gratitude. I was scared to death at
the same time! I had no idea what kind of life I was in for but I did have hopes, dreams and
the vision. I knew as long as I was doing God’s will by being clean and sober that He was at
the helm and life would be good…and by God it was!
It is so important to plan goals in life and to have hope they will come to pass. Hope is one of
the spiritual axioms (spiritual foundation, principle) that us AA’s depend on to expel fear of the
future. Doing a thorough Third step includes making a “God Box” to put all our overwhelming
fears in. Early recovery is scary but with the God box we can really let go of many things that
we are powerless over.
The more my heart relies on God the more free I am. When I got sober my home was a thirtytwo foot travel trailer that I was so grateful to have. I was like a wide-eyed child so eager to
do everything that was suggested of me…except the commonly quoted rule of thumb; “don’t get
in a relationship for at least a year when first getting sober”.
I kind of missed the boat on that one. We are like sponges when we first sober up. It is so
important to surround ourselves with healthy sober people.
When I met my partner in 2006 he had seven years sober in the program already. Honestly,
he triggered my over-sensitive raw emotions often. However I was taught by the steps and
my counselors that he was not to be made responsible for the way I felt. My partner could
never process what needed expressed inside my hurting heart. Though he is capable of
wronging me and hurting my feelings ultimately only I can work through those feelings by
taking responsibility for them.
I let go of blame, focused on my own recovery and miraculously with God’s leading began to
heal. When I was triggered emotionally it was usually due to the excess baggage I brought
with me into the relationship. I called my sponsor often and processed the intense feelings of
inferiority that haunted me. I was taught to think of myself as “bad & wrong” and walked in
the line of defense against that programming most of my young life. While my own heart
condemned me, I was split emotionally right down the middle of my being. Healing would
involve becoming who I really am and accepting myself as “good, blessed, right, & a child of
God”.
My partner and I are together still today by the Grace of God, he is one of the many blessings
that God has brought me in recovery. ”Don’t quit till the miracle happens” they told me. That
cliché’ means that we do grow and become comfortable in our own skin in recovery if we do
the 12 step work & get the right empathic therapy.
I began chairing meetings at about six months sober and did so for many years. Chairing
meetings built up self-esteem and confidence in me. (Step 12) I learned to be assertive not
passive-aggressive as I had been for so long.
I learned to say no and stick to it. Why would I be passive aggressive? Friends, I was
ashamed of myself in 100 different ways, not so much because I was evil. But rather I was
programmed at an early age to believe everything about the real me was “WRONG”! By who?
By the system itself, by everything around me, by the programming of my parents who also
believed they are bad & wrong. It took me 7 years sober to realize this revelation of self.
And so….I began to invoke self-love that took a lot of positive affirmations during meditation.
I reprogrammed my own mind by repetition. The same way that the evil system programmed
me as a child.
These addict neural pathways do not go away. They are etched in the brain’s roadmap of self.
However, I did, and you can build great and positive bridges over these nasty negative selfdefeating, self-loathing roads of contempt that have haunted us addicts for years. By the tools
of recovery we can reprogram behaviors.
One thing sure…the program works if we work it.
One thing is certain, Children of God do not have the right to condemn themselves ever.
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