Why is it that we see on all recovery websites and AA, NA chat rooms people are always looking for someone or something to pin the label “BAD” or “WRONG” on? It just never fails, and why?
Anyone who has worked the steps thoroughly and honestly knows that their most common character defect or carnal survival skill has been “BLAME” in the past.
BLAME comes in many forms such as: attack, accusation, criticism, gossip,resentment,self-pity, and hate, even righteous indignation. These all reek of blame. The state of “blame” is a state of denial. Even if our blame is in the form of righteous indignation it is still a state of denial. When we blame others we are denying the real core reason for our yucky feelings.
We in recovery must learn the hard hard lesson of not only taking responsibility for our own feelings by owning them but also finding healthy and harmless ways of processing those feelings such as;
hitting with a plastic bat, punching bag, punching a pillow, writing, the [fuck you] letter that we never send, screaming, crying, sharing with an empathic listener, moaning, groaning, and other guttural sounds all promote release of emotions from the gut and relief. If we want to heal we have to feel not blame.
All of these method of processing feelings are usually looked down upon by others and considered crazy or weak. Therefore it is best we exercise them while we are alone in a private place. Beating ourselves up is not a healthy way to deal with our feelings. Our hearts are innocent and need to be listened to by us without judgement.
We take our feelings and we write them down; “I feel hate or resentment toward Betty.” Behind every resentment is fear. When we find our core fear and ask God to remove it we find peace.
“I am afraid of losing my partner because I feel like I am not good enough I feel like Betty is better than me so I hate her” Wow! Was that so damn hard? Its ok to admit being afraid and feeling [less than] when we have solutions for that state of being.
Remember feelings do not have to be logical. The fourth step work is an ongoing tool that should not be thrown by the wayside after accomplishing it one time. Doing the fourth step should be a way of life in addressing every one of the blame characteristics listed above. Humans fear they are not good enough especially if they were relentlessly taught that in youth.
We can feel yucky without blaming anyone for it. Feeling bad does not mean we are weak it means we are human.