Addiction Solutions
Or we might lash out at those we love most. We must apologize of such knee jerk reactions to fear.
Most humans are skilled in the art of emotional manipulation even if we are unaware of it. Thing is, we have learned controlling people works better through dishonest means rather than the honest approach. Unfortunately that makes for sick relationships and a loss of Love. And let’s face it AA and NA are full of dysfunctional relationships. Unfortunately sick guidance is rampant in AA but it’s still one of the best ways to get sober. That is, if you also seek God and get some empathic therapy along with it. And absolutely read the Big Book for yourself and go to step study and same sex meetings.
One reason we do the 12 steps is so we can become aware of our character patterns both healthy and unhealthy. Oftentimes active addicts have enablers who help us get our much desired dope and money. We may feel reliant on enablers for something. Therefore we often feel we must handle our enablers in a way they will react and behave as we want them to. We are skilled in the art of getting a desired reaction from our “foe” per-say.
STEP FOUR, STEP 12, AND SELF-WORTH. AGREE TO DISAGREE BY GAINING SELF-WORTH, GAIN SELF WORTH BY WORKING THE STEPS
Having a different opinion than my fellows is ok. Expressing varied views and opinions is good. Debate is good and necessary for the progress of A.A. AND OUR NATION. We have elections in every aspect of A,A, except regular meetings. We learn to agree to disagree because it is the mature and emotionally sober thing to do. Even in a facebook A.A. group varying outlooks and opinions are part of healthy social expression. DISRESPECT AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE INSULTS ARE A WHOLE OTHER MATTER. Time to learn which is which if we don’t already know. And if we don’t know how to disagree with a fellow without running away no doubt it’s because of a valid reason stemming from our past. We shouldn’t be hard on ourselves or others if we or they are in the process of growing up emotionally.
AGREE TO DISAGREE by working the 12 steps.
Without “agree to disagree” there would be no Alcoholics Anonymous or any of the other 12 step programs. Without agree to disagree anything that involves political decision making and voting would be chaos. Firstly humans always will and always have had varied opinions and viewpoints on topics. When we have business meetings in A.A. whether it be in our home group, inter-group or at area assembly there are important matters at hand and decisions to be made. Sometimes the outcome of these votes will effect A.A. as a whole. These votes are not about “me” as an individual. The votes and varied opinions though they may differ than my own choices or viewpoints do not mean that I am bad, wrong, ugly or any other negative adjective for having different viewpoints than my peers. Sounds a little crazy when you say it outload but this issue is why fights break out over minor disagreements people perceive that if someone has another opinion than theirs that they are belittled somehow. The thing is if a man has low self-worth then he takes many things personally as an insult about himself. Low self-esteem always has its feelers out looking to protect itself against perceived insults. Low self-esteem is always in “defense” mode. It hones in on comments or actions that have nothing at all to do with itself and perceives them as if they are putting him down and expressly meant to insult him. Let’s face it low self-worth thinks that the world revolves around its belly button.
What are the solutions to low self-worth? Notice in the fourth step grid on page 65 http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf in the “effects my” column of the fourth step. After every resentment “pride” and “self-esteem” are at the core of every resentment. It’s not that the resentment gave me low self-worth it’s that low self-worth is the prime breeding ground for resentments because it puts us on the defensive. So typically if I have low self-worth then the chances of me being able to engage in a peaceful disagreement such as a business meeting vote and debate or an election of some sort are slim. With addiction we continually go against our ingrained conscience and each blow against our conscience is a blow against our self-worth.
And if we were raised in a home where every disagreement or varying viewpoint ended in a violent fight it’s no wonder we are squeamish around any hint of varying opinion.
So what then do we leave all the important elections, crucial debates and decision making to those who understand peaceful debate and didn’t grow up in a violent home where agree to disagree was never exhibited? HELL NO! We learn, we grow we find out how to achieve the self-worth needed to NOT take every comment personally! Image how nice it would feel to not get emotionally triggered every time we try to socialize? So, we do a painful and honest fourth step. We do a candid fifth step and share with someone who shows respect and empathy not some “beat you down” sponsor who hasn’t gained any self-worth themselves.
We do 12 step service work until we are blue in the face! We take meetings into jails and institutions even if we feel like our anxiety is going to kill us! We stifle our expression of pen and tongue unless we are speaking with respect. We journal until we are blue in the face because getting out our fearful feelings WILL RELIEVE OUR ANXIETY. We get a same sexed sponsor and gain a support group who will show us respect, and if they don’t respect us then we respectfully tell them, …no we “ask” them not to do it again because we consider their action toward us disrespectful. We remember that we can’t make anybody do or think anything, if they don’t show us respect we WALK AWAY and find friends that will show us respect by choice. We will find that once we start to work the steps and engage in steps 10 through 12 on a regular basis we won’t have to command and defend because people will automatically show us respect. Even fulfilling our part of probation is an emotional growth experience. Doing a couple years’ probation in early sobriety will most likely benefit us in many ways. Once we have worked the steps and put the things on our fourth step that we were most ashamed of, those things we did that we NEVER WANTED ANYBODY TO EVER FIND OUT these are the things that need to be on that list the most. If we can’t be honest with our steps we won’t gain the self-esteem needed to agree to disagree.
We do these thing even though they are new and scare the hell out of us emotionally. We do not hesitate to make a “fear list” even though we may have a year or two sober because there is no shame in being afraid. The people that hide their fears are the one’s that suffer the most emotionally. Being afraid is part of the human condition and if we are newly sober SOMETHING IS WRONG IF WE ARE NOT AFRAID. So after we write down all our fears pertaining to loss of our loved one’s loss of our social status and loss of our security we have a talk with our higher power and ask for some “faith” and to learn how to better trust that Higher Power. If we have a resentment that won’t let up we pray for that person to receive all the blessings that we wish for. And we do the work that 75% of the people in A.A. are too far into denial to see that they need to do as well. And every time we catch ourselves looking for the differences instead of the similarities in a meeting we pray for help with that because relating to others in A.A. is one of the ways we get well. Just some solutions.
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We can quickly destroy all our loving relationships due to natural knee-jerk reactions that fend off fear and the feelings that fear creates. Some deadly knee-jerk solutions are blame, criticisms, hate, playing the victim or the oppressor anything that relates to putting down and condemning others to make ourselves feel better if even just for a short while. There is no shortage of people to condemn including ourselves. In the meantime we lose what our hearts really need and crave…to Love and to be Loved, to comfort and to be comforted, to understand and to be understood, to follow our conscience and to live guilt-free.
If you want to read what Alcoholics Anonymous’ take on dating and sex is read page 69 from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Also here’s the link to the Narcotics Anonymous literature on the topic.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf
http://www.nawol.org/2012_ch16%20RELATIONSHIPS.htm
There are some awesome suggestions in both texts. I feel obligated and inspired to write my own experience on the topic as an A.A. member since 2006. My sobriety date is 04-15-06. My name is Lori E. and I am a recovering drunk, heroin addict, crack-head, and co-dependent. Given all of the things that I have recovered from including cigarettes I needed more than just A,A, to get better.
However without A.A. I doubt I would still be sane and sober. I am the Chairman of the New Life Group in Gainesville, Florida. I have done my share of taking meetings into the very jail I got sober in and the institution that taught me emotional healing. Bridge House at Meridian Health Care. http://mbhci.org/treatment-services/residential-inpatient-services/ saved my life and it cost me about $4 a day for 28 days if memory serves. I do know at the time of my stay the government was footing most of the bill. They allow A.A. to bring meetings into inpatient on a regular basis including women meetings which at this phase of my sobriety are my favorite. Women open up on issues that are so pertinent to their healing that would otherwise be taboo in mixed meetings. I remember they told us that only one out of the 30 patients in our group would still be sober after a year. We proved them wrong due tothe excellent psychological therapy that we received from psychologists working there at that time. There is a group of 5 or 6 of us who are pushing the 10 year mark of sobriety. “Trauma in recovery” was the name of the therapy group. And we had a “women’s issues” group also. Out of the two therapists who saved our lives and taught us how to emotionally process (live with feelings) one has passed away and the other still works there.
Three of the women that I got sober with including myself have been in long term healthy relationships that began during the first year of our sobriety in 2006. Two of us are with men that have at least 7 more years sober than ourselves and we met these men in the program. Technically that makes those two men 13th steppers but we can laugh about that now. Thank god for the 13th step! 13th stepping is when a member with say a year or more sober preys upon a new and vulnerable member. Technically this can be a very bad thing so I won’t make light of it without explanation. I believe if we are over the age of 18 we are responsible for our choices and that includes when we are newly sober.
We women in my outpatient therapy group were dating early on but we took every action and choice that we made regarding our new relationships into the group for feedback and guidance. We all spent at least a year in that therapy group 2 to 3 nights a week. Since we had a support group we were not technically as vulnerable as your typical and newly sober woman. Without that group I would not be in a mature and happy relationship today. But it took allot of work on myself to change. So two of us found our men in A.A. and the third women a total miracle because she found her husband in Bridge House. Hers was what we call a re-hab relationship. Re-hab relationships rarely last. Usually what happens is the two people leave rehab and use drugs together. Next they betray one another and the relationship ends in a total train wreck. That’s the odds.
Even our wise counselor at Bridge House told us that from what he had seen people who get into relationships in their first year always relapse. I remember in group one day Dr. Rand Maryowitz told us that he had never seen a relationship work that had started in the first year of sobriety. Us women looked at each other reading one another’s minds we thought, “there is no way we are ending this relationship! It feels too good.” And it was good, the trick for me was to survive the crash of the fairy tale expectations which was one of my patterns of co-dependency.
so many times when my feelings would get hurt and I felt he had wronged me. That was me a runner and a blamer. I was the victim. Each time I felt that way I would call my new friends from group instead of running. I would then realize one of two things, either my new partner had not wronged me at all or he had unknowingly done so and I just needed to communicate with him on an honest level and let him know how I felt and why I felt I was wronged. Not so I could be “right” but so we could get to know each other and learn what one another considers disrespectful. If you are with a partner that is willing to work with you and communicate at a core and honest level then you have a chance of gaining a life-long mate. Soul mates THE FACES OF LOVE
RULE NUMBER ONE- STOP BLAMING MY PARTNER FOR MY OWN FEELINGS AND MY OWN CHOICES.
RULE NUMBER TWO- TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING IN MY OWN LIFE. INCLUDING MY PAIN AND INSECURITIES
RULE THREE-LEARN WHAT TO DO WITH THE INTENSE FEELINGS THAT WON’T GO AWAY.
I had spent my whole life blaming others for my shit. It took a strong support group, a good counselor, and A.A (the twelve steps to be precise) for me to make the transition into self-responsibility. Here are some of the articles that talk about the solutions to relationship sabotage. I really had no idea what a healthy relationship was until I got sober and allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable and teachable.
The thing is we get hurt and betrayed then we put up walls that protect us from that happening again. But unfortunately the instinctual walls of a sick addict push love out and bring fear in. I had to learn how to be okay with me. I had to let myself off the hook for all the mistakes of the past and make amends where I could. I had to invite God into all the areas of my life that I had been shielding Him from. Without a Higher Power the healing process does not have the supernatural punch needed for an emotional make-over. Therapy, 12 steps and God. Three ingredients to a super dooper recovery! I know many people in A.A. have given up of intimate relationships. Many times when they do give up then, finally they find their soul mate. A partner cannot fix us. They cannot process our feelings for us or build our needed self-esteem only we can do that by doing the next right thing. And continuing to do the next right thing. Here are some articles about relationships and what it takes to be a partner.
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/sexual-inventory-pg-69-big-book/
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/the-power-of-choice-clearing-the-wreckage-of-the-past/
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/relationships-alcoholics-anonymous/
https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/2/sexual-inventory/
Most religions teach forgiveness. Forgiveness is a part of self-Love because when we forgive we receive peace of mind and healing on an emotional and spiritual level. But, is it easier to forgive a stranger or a family member? Don’t we tend to allow family members much more leniency where our boundaries are concerned?
I recently had an argument with some family members. We argued back and forth and one of them un-friended me…temporarily that is. However when my nephews new wife entered the picture and began verbally attacking me suddenly I realized that I had totally forgiven the members of my family and now despised this strange women that my nephew had recently married. I found myself hoping for their speedy divorce so everyone would see what a bitch and traitor she is
Yes it’s a good thing that I so easily forgave my family but it’s just as important to forgive strangers. I thought to myself; “screw that bitch who does she think she is? She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness!” However, my unforgivness or “resentment” toward her is not hurting her at all. On the contrary it’s actually hurting me. Resentments are poison that live inside out bodies until they make us physically sick. Furthermore a resentment can morph into full blown hate. And then into wrath where we are lashing out and spewing evil words from our mouth.
Jesus said “It’s not what enters the body that pollutes it but rather what comes out of the body that defiles it.” http://www.blueletterbible.org/bible.cfm?b=Mat&c=15 They say in A.A. a resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to die. And really every resentment stems from a lack of love for one’s self. (Big Book page 417) http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_personalstories_partII.pdf
Acceptance
“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation —
Some fact of my life — unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.
Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober;
Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p. 417 If I am angry at others it is something in me that is ill-at-ease that is sparking that anger. I know this. Please, I do not mean that anger is a “wrong” and “bad” emotion. It is a valid feeling that is part of the human condition. If I am angry there is a reason behind it if I can just get to it and understand it so I can let it go.
I have found that for myself most of my anger stems from my unreasonable and even slightly irrational desire to be perfect in my own eyes. If I say I want to be God it soundS ridiculous however, that is the core character flaw of most addicts and alcoholics in recovery. It is where controlism springs from and lord knows there are a boat-load of control freaks in A.A.
Ok but how do I go about forgiving someone I hate or am disgusted with? Journalling what happened and how it made me feel in regard to my resentment is very helpful as well and is part of the letting go process. Being as concise as possible when describing ny feelings is very important. Words like “I felt weird” or “uncomfortable”, “uneasy”, are not direct terms. If I felt insecure or afraid or the fear of loss, or hateful, angry lesser than or ashamed I should write it down.
Remember feelings of shame, fear, and insecurities do not have to be logical to be valid and real. If we shrug off every intense feeling because it is illogical to our intellect or originated in our past then we are still repressing emotions and they will eventually come out sideways usually at those we love most.
Firstly the most handy and simple solution is to pray for those we resent. Again, they teach this in A.A. and it’s also in the Bible Start by praying every day for the person we resent. If that doesn’t work then write out a formal fourth step to get to the bottom of what it is that we are really afraid of regarding the resentment. There is ALWAYS fear at the core of every resentment whether (Big Book step fourhttp://www.stepsfoundation.com/Assets/Documents/4thStepForm.pdf
I want to stop right here and interject one of the most important parts of the forgiveness process. In spite of what A.A. teaches about “my part” and EVERYTHING SURROUNDING A RESENTMENT BEING “MY FAULT”, the truth is there are abusers and very mean people out there who have not and will not hesitate to abuse small children in unthinkable ways. When we have been wronged it’s important that we don’t blame ourselves for not knowing how to let the pain and violence that was inflicted on us as children or adults, go. People can tell us all day long to forgive and “let it go” but if we don’t know how to let it go their instructions do us no good. Furthermore if I was abused as a child, as many addicts were it is clearly not my fault. Many of us tend to blame ourselves and beat ourselves up for things we didn’t have “a part” in. Granted if we hate our abuser then that is “our part” and we need to let that go by working the 12 steps.
It is apparent in A,A. that there are two types of people. Those who are much too hard on themselves and are hyper-aware of most of their character defect patterns. And those who remain in deep denial of their shortcomings and are incapable of recognizing their faults on their own. These types do well with a sponsor that will not hesitate to point out their shortcomings for them. As long as the light bulb goes off when their sponsor points out their patterns they can then work a successful fourth and fifth step….with their sponsors help. The hyper-aware types don’t need a sponsor to further point out defects they have already beat themselves up for for far too long. These types need a more empathic and nurturing type of sponsor, caring, compassionate, understanding. Both types are being nurtured in their own ways. What one man considers “disrespect” another man considers that same thing “love”. To each his own.
Making a Fear List is documented in the Big Book as part of the fourth step, of which many people overlook. Learning to identify the fear that lives behind our intense feelings is part of the life changing self awareness that comes to us when we work the 12 steps. However these fears live in us at a core, or root childlike level. Most people are ashamed of their core fears and rarely want to admit them to themselves much less to others in a fifth step. “The truth shall set us free”. If we address these core fears and share them their burden will be lifted from us along with the shame of who we are.
So many times we hear in A.A. “I don’t care what people think about me.” When in all reality if we don’t care what our fellows think of us then we are bordering on sociopath. It is completely natural to care what our fellows think of us and to fear what people will think of us as well. Fear of what people think of us should most likely be on our fear list. Ninth Step Promise “fear of people will leave us”, but not if we don’t do the work. We label this flavor of fear “society”.
The next big fear is “security”. who doesn’t fear losing their car or home once in a while. Specially if we live from week to week or moth to mon financially.
The third primary fear of loss is labelled “sex”. Fear of losing our sexual partner is a big on. So many character defects can be triggered by these fears of loss. Jealously, envy, greed, worry, lying, cheating, and stealing are all motivated by fear of not having enough money or enough control over our significant others. Where are they at? What time will they be home? Who were they talking to? Why were they out all night?
So we right down our fears and then we go one step further…Below the surface, why am I really afraid of losing my significant other? Two things 1. I am not trusting my Higher Power and 2. I have self-esteem issues, I don’t think I am good enough. If I were totally confident in myself and in God I would not fear losing the three S’s, sex, society, and security. 99 times out of 100 if I am disturbed it is because I am afraid of losing and I am not trusting God. So what’s the solution?
I repent of my lack of faith, trust, and I ask my Higher Power to forgive me and help me to trust Him, It, Her. Also working steps 10 through 12 on a regular basis will increase my self esteem and bring me closer to God through prayer and meditation
The 12 steps work. they were developed for addicts, thing is most people that work the steps do it at a very superficial level. Few people will admit that they fear and have self-esteem issues. Obviously is I have low self-esteem it will make me very ashamed and uncomfortable to broach the topic in a candid way.
IF STEP FOUR IS NOT FREAKING YOU OUT YOUR PROABLY NOT DOING IT RIGHT.
Humans generally learn by default to put on a hard emotionally protective shell so others will not see their vulnerabilities and they won’t get hurt. However oftentimes that hard shell tends to offend or trigger others emotionally before they can actually see what is going on with the person. In other words; when we are hurt we may seem just angry or mad at someone who really has nothing to do with the reason we are actually feeling unrest. Hurt and fear by default turn to anger in most alcoholics because it is a safer emotion to portray to our fellows than an emotion that appears weak. Some say depression is anger without enthusiasm with hurt at the core. We alcoholics tend to have trust issues and we are not willing to show our real emotions to anybody. We fear for our survival in this world that we see as cruel and unsafe! This my friends is the core reason so many fear and run from doing a fourth and fifth step.So what do we do? Do we continue repressing every hurt and pain of betrayal unto infinity till it takes us down? No never! Not if we are to heal and actually be able to say “Hi, I am Lori, I am an alcoholic addict in recovery.” Not if we want a redeeming psychic change…we must find someone we are willing to trust with our feelings, our shame, and our fears. We need, yes need someone in the program who will relate to us and have compassion, someone whom we can cry to.
We must for survival sake do a thorough Fourth and a thorough Fifth Step to get out the skeletons of our past that are eating our emotions and our relationships alive!
We must make our step work personal by writing and sharing our Fifth Step in the “I” context. We should state our feelings and events with honest emotion.
IT IS THE THING WE ARE MOST ASHAMED OF THAT SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF OUR LIST. A shallow and non-revealing Fifth Step with our most shameful events omitted will not help us. No, not if we are to recover our joy and obtain the miraculous psychic change needed to not only stay sober but stay sane enough that we do not choose suicide over sobriety like countless addicts and alcoholics have.
We are dying out there and we must take serious action for our true survival…”It is better to save our ass than save our face.” “Pride comes before a fall oh how deep that fall can be.” Hope is the answer, hold on to the hope that we really can get better with God at the helm of our step work.
What should I do today to start the process of working the steps?
Doing a fourth step is work. When many of us get to the rooms of a 12 step program usually we are full of guilt, remorse, shame and fear; the emotions nobody wants to admit or talk about. We have been programmed from youth not to show weakness or it will be used against us by our fellows. If we show vulnerability we are made fun of, taken advantage of, cast out, gossiped about or worse. It’s understandable that we cringe by what is asked of us in a fourth and even worse; Fifth step.
There is a saying that the truth will set us free. Humans need forgiveness from guilt, we need to be able to walk without a cloud of shame causing us to be hyper-sensitive to our interaction with others. We need the poison of deep regret to be cleansed from our hearts. We will never be relieved from guilt by denial or lies. Trying to ignore a past full of wrong decisions and hurting others will eat us up inside.
If we weigh our options to either bury our guilt and suffer a continuing soul sickness that affects every relationship we have especially the one with ourselves. Or choose to cleanse our hearts and be set free and open up the opportunity to have truly loving relationships with ourselves and others….hmmm which would we choose. Do we keep our skeletons hid to save face?
No! Saving face is a lie and the longer we keep our guilt hidden the sicker we become. We must write down all the things we are afraid and ashamed of including our deepest darkest secret to have peace and serenity. We are children of God and we are not alone. There are only seven deadly sins and most addicts are very familiar with at least a few of them. All fifth steps have been said and done before. Our sponsors are usually not shocked by them or even surprised.
The truth is not our enemy…oh contraire’! The fifth step truths will set us free and start us on our road to happy destiny. Give yourself a fighting chance my friend! We must learn to be kind to ourselves by making the steps our way of life. We will truly be reborn if we are honest.
Click here to read SOLUTIONS
What do we do if we are so hurt from our addict driven past and horrific childhood that we are unable to Love and accept others? And why is it that a lack of acceptance and the alcoholic go hand in hand? Our parents didn’t teach us healthy emotional coping skills or we would not reach for such destructive emotional survival skills like the drink and drug. The thing is as long as our using (drug abuse) and blame-based coping skills worked to keep us reasonably numb & feeling shame-free we had no reason to stop using them….right?
Why is it that the serenity prayer is an addicts most valuable coping skill known far and wide? The Big Book reads that a lack of power was our dilemma. Meaning when we feel we are not in control within and without we buck, we freak. We lack acceptance when we are sick and suffering on such a grand scale that we block new, different people and ideas out of our lives. We can’t cope with any kind of change…it’s too scarey. But again Why? (Oh I’m not supposed to know the answers to any “why’s”? that’s first 90 days sober AA jargon. If we are going to really be healed of our underlying emotional issues we must allow ourselves to seek & find some knowledge.)
Blame, criticism, and looking for the wrong and the bad in other people and their ideas is the most wide-spread destructive emotional coping skill on the face of the Earth used by addicts and normies alike. AS LONG AS I CAN PUT A “BAD” LABEL ON SOMEONE TODAY MAYBE I WON’T HAVE TO SEE THE PAIN LIVING INSIDE ME. IF I CAN JUST BE “RIGHT” AND FEEL THAT I AM “BETTER THAN OTHERS” THEN I WON’T HAVE TO SEE THE SICKNESS THAT LIVES IN MY SOUL.
I need to ask myself some questions…how long have I been sober and why am I still having anxiety attacks and suffering from intense rage and depression? Why am I having repeated migraines? Why have I pushed all the people I love out of my life? Why am I still isolating and beating myself up? Have I left something out of my program? Could my prejudices toward religion and therapy be hindering my healing? What can I do to really overcome depression and anxiety?
The serenity prayer and twelve step work are two grand survival skills for us. When we share our story of what it was like what happened and what it is like now, if sincere & heart-felt processes out a little bit of our pain and sickness bit by bit. Telling our story builds self-worth and confidence. However it also feeds our ego and can be a deflection from our own emotional wounds. Step 12 and chairing meetings are mere band-aids covering a wound that needs far more healing and medicine. We need a deep and searching moral inventory we need to address our underlying issues or the infection in our soul will just keep hurting us and those around us. The symptoms that are screaming at me are depression and anxiety.
SO WHAT THEN? WHAT ARE THE SOLUTIONS TO DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AND HOW DO I APPLY THEM IN MY LIFE? Know this solutions will go against the grain of the disease and make us feel very uncomfortable. PLEASE KNOW THERE IS NO WRONG FEELING, ONLY WRONG ACTIONS. EVERY FEELING IS BECAUSE OF A REASON, AN EXPERIENCE, A REACTION TO AN EVENT THEREFORE WE SHOULD NEVER SAY…I SHOULD NOT FEEL THAT WAY. YOUR HEART IS THE PLACE THAT FEELINGS COME FROM AND YOUR HEART DOES NOT LIE. WE WILL NO LONGER BE ASHAMED OF WHO AND WHY WE ARE OR HOW WE ARE. BUT WE CAN LEARN TO OVERCOME AND WORK THROUGH NEGATIVE FEELINGS RATHER THAN ALLOWING OUR FEARS AND FEELINGS TO PARALYZE US.
SOLUTION 1
Well firstly I need to work the steps more thoroughly starting with my spirituality and lack thereof. I need to seek God with every fiber of my heart and being. Ask my Higher Power to guide my step-work and my actions. God answers the heart, every testimony of spiritual experience I have ever heard or had began with an intense seeking of God with one’s heart, mind and very depth of soul. Please, shallow prayers reap shallow rewards. Then I keep seeking, I go to churches, tent revivals, Unity God-self type temples, Mausks, Catholic church. Any place that people congregate to find and become closer to God, that is where I need to seek Him/It/Her, not just AA. People are not on their knees praying in meetings, people are not crying out at the alter for healing in meetings. If I am not willing to take this action to seek my Higher Power then I must not be depressed enough or maybe I have just gotten comfortable in my depression. Depression is anger without enthusiasm to that I can attest.
SOLUTION 2
Therapy, I need to open up my deepest and most vulnerable self to me and a therapist. I need to share my fears that I am ashamed of, I need to share my feelings that I think are wrong, stupid, weak and I am ashamed of. I need to share my shame and guilt. Not just in my journal but also out loud to a human or in group. I need to let down my emotional protection in a safe place and tell people who I really am. The child within needs to be heard. If I was abused I need to talk about it. If I was neglected and rejected and need to share it. If I was sexually abused or abused others sexually I need to share it. First write it down that makes saying it outloud much easier. My deepest darkest shames need to be exposed to the light. I need to get real about who I resent. I need to put myself and God (most likely) on my resentment list. My fourth step should have “The cause” or what happened to start the resent ment and delve into what my fears are behind the resent me. Do I think I am unlovable, ugly, stupid, not good enough, that the person who accused me is right? There is always an insecurity and fear of some sort crouching behind the hate for mankind. I need to get at my own insecurities and express them on paper and then out-loud. I need to accept my weaker-self and make myself vulnerable to others. This isn’t part of the fourth and fifth steps it’s part of a honest and thorough fourth and fifth step. Notice the “(fear)” and “(self-esteem)” that was written in the fourth step grid in the Big Book? What I am explaining to you…the shame the feeling of not good enough that is what’s meant by self esteem and fear in that fourth step grid. If we can’t address this stuff we most likely will not heal from depression and anxiety.
SOLUTION 3
STEP 12, I need to allow the steps to work in my life. I need to open up and say what’s really going on with me in meeting. If I am depressed I need to share it, If I am happy I need to share it, if I am angry I need to share it, I should confess all my resentments not leaving out organizations and groups of people. People with certain appearances. And the big one I need to write down and confess anything I am ashamed of and am keeping secret. I should work these 12 steps in an orderly fashion with a sponsor that will not shut me down. I should attend step-study-meetings. I should regularly go to jails or institutions of some type to tell my story of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now. I should do a very thorough step 6 & 7. Out of the problem into the solution. Every day I should shower, put on my shoes and do at least TWO things towards my recovery. I should clean my house and do my dishes. I should get sober phone contacts and call people. If I have an emotional upheaval and think I have been wronged I call someone and talk about it. And of coarse if I want to drink or drug I confess it in a meeting and or call someone.
SOLUTION 4
I keep doing what works, I don’t stop, I don’t slow down. I am relentless. Four meetings a week, Church of some sort (meetings are not church) one day a week.
SOLUTION 5
I learn and practice real meditation. I lay down, I get quiet, and I do a mantra by trying repeatedly over and over to concentrate on only one thought. When my mind drifts I reel it back in and concentrate on only the mantra. I picture each sentence in my mind. If my mantra is the Lord’s Prayer I picture each line, I see my father in heaven I think about his/her sacred name. I picture his kingdom-coming etc. etc. I practice meditation daily for at least a half hour a day. I begin my meditation with a prayer. I can use crystals or props, candles, and incense I make it a ritual. My mind will wonder but eventually I will train my mind to stay on one thought. After practicing for quite some time my mind will naturally empty…and I will hear God. I will be more patient, self-aware, more tolerant, more likely to think things through rather than being sporadic and impatient. Sometimes in the beginning it’s necessary to just moan during meditation. When trying to lye till and quiet because of the negative energy living inside it’s hard to be still. I remember feeling like there was an alien inside of me trying to get out so I moaned like I was taught to do to release that energy. Then I can better concentrate on the mantra and meditate.
SOLUTION 6
GUTERAL SOUNDS
Release guttural sounds from your body on a regular basis in private in your car, alone at home. Guttural sounds come straight from core and underlying issues of the emotions and the soul. Moaning, Screaming, shrieking, and sound that needs to come out. Try it, it will feel weird and insane but it works to get out the very energy that is causing the depression and anxiety. Do it for years as long as needed. It releases the poison from our bowels that we have stored there by pushing down our anger and hurt until it makes us sick.
SOLUTIONS 7
Diet, exercise, and nature. These are self explanatory stick to natural foods as much as possible and to to the beach or just take walks in the woods but get outside and exercise. Get fresh air daily, drink lots of water. Eat lots of fruits and veggies. Sometings exercise alone relieve a huge part of our anxiety.
And remember “OUT OF THE PROBLEM INTO THE SOLUTION”
Don’t stay I the problem spinning around.
REMEMBER NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES.
Firstly I try to remember that not everyone’s moral compass is set on the same settings as mine. As long as no law is being broken and no one is getting (badly) hurt then like Bill W says; other people’s sex conduct.
The Fourth Step Sexual Inventory only works when I apply it to myself. So what kind of things do I needs to write down? God gave mankind a great gift called the “conscience” and that is what I will use along with prayer. The things in my past that I feel guilty for and ashamed of these things need to come out into the open, out of my mind they will then lose power over me. First I put them to paper then I confess them aloud in my fifth step.
WHY?!!!!! WHY DREDGE UP THE PAST, BURYING IT SEEMS LIKE A BETTER IDEA. Yes so it seems, however experience teaches us that confession is good for the soul. Furthermore the intense emotions that we try to hide WILL come out sideways. Things like wrath, blame, emotional struggles, and intense anger derive from the feelings that we bury. These emotions need to be expressed and then let go. It takes either a miracle or some emotional work to clear the wreckage of the past is to face it and come to terms with it. The Fourth Step runs more people out of the rooms than anything else. I have had countless women make it through steps one, two, and three, only to bolt at the prospect of confessing their deep dark secrets.
The good news is that on page 69 there are a group of questions to guide us through the sexual inventory. Also if we pray before we start the work IT WILL give it the supernatural kick we need. We are striving for a psychic change. “The same man will drink again” therefore we must do the work that is outlined in the twelve steps.
And most importantly remember, its all been said and done before. There are only seven deadly sins and there are only so many sexually perverse things we can engage in. Usually the sponcee is the only one affected by his own actions. When we confess our shortcomings we most likely will feel relieved but we most certainly will improve our emotional healthy by it.
EVERY COURAGEOUS ACT STARTED FROM A FEARFUL BEGINNING.
I did not know just how valuable Peace of mind was until I found it. Alternatively….I did not know how valuable Peace of mind really was until I lost it. Either way there is no doubt in my mind that peace of mind is one of the most wonderful things a person can possess and that lack of Peace is at the core of the addicts malady. When one has peace of mind, they are not in a wanton state of craving, obsession, or intense need. Peace of mind stirs through our being and shoots out from us touching the lives of everyone around us, When we are at-peace we have no need to be mean, or sarcastic, we have no need to belittle our fellows with snide remarks. We are not in fear because the presence of fear is the absence of peace. It is said that Love is the greatest spiritual gift and that hope, & faith are next in value. However, mixed into all three of these greatest spiritual gifts is Peace, which lingers amidst each one of them. Peace is the by-product of the greatest spiritual gifts.
The absence of peace of mind can happen in different degrees. We can be extremely fearful to the point of anxiety, panic attack, and even complete emotional paralysis, which is the absence of not only faith but of peace as well. Mankind seeks out many destructive devices to outrun its torturous fears. Seldom if ever does the fearful and miserable man admit or even realize that he is afraid or that it is fear that tortures him. For he has been taught that to admit fear would be admitting that he is weak, bad, and not as good as his peers so, much of mankind (not just active addicts) choose denial over truth. Moreover, we all know what we were taught about those who fear when we were young and impressionable…scaredy-cat, chicken-shit, pussy, pansy, yellow belly, yellow, woosy, and any other negative descriptive word that would shame us for being who we are….human and afraid. I must remind myself that without fear there would be no courage and that every courageous act started with a fearful beginning.
So it’s ok to be human and afraid but we need to have a way to get out of fear. We need to forbid fear from taking power over our actions. We must step out of the box and deploy Love in defense against fear so we can experience that wonderful thing called spiritual peace. How in the heck do you “deploy Love?” You might ask. We deploy Love by looking fear straight in the eye and walking, or taking action in spite of how we feel. We walk through the fear! If it is sobriety and reality that is paralyzing us then we get up, put on our shoes, and we go to a meeting. We work the steps and do a fifth step in spite of our survival instinct which screams “keep your shortcomings a secret! We deploy Love by doing service work, Step twelve. We pray to our Higher Power when we feel like we have better things to do. We write out our Fourth Step because we want to feel and get better. We put the things on our fourth step list of which we are most ashamed. Deploying Love does not necessarily feel good at the time but it is what is good for us and will bring us peace. By the same token Love tears down our character flaws. Working the Twelve Steps cuts flaws like false pride, self-loathing, lying, sloth, procrastination, lust, wrath, gluttony, envy, and greed to the quick.
Character flaws within us have a life of their own and when we begin working the steps they cry, scream, claw, and scratch at us from the inside. Our character defect patterns do not want us to change and they will tell us all the good things that we need to do instead of working a program because the bad that we would do won’t work to trick us into not working the steps. Meaning, our brain will tell us “you need to take you children bowling because you should spend more time with them, or you need to clean the house, or you need to job hunt or you need to work. Yes all these things are good to do in recovery but if we do not have the foundation of the twelve steps we can easily slip. Doing ninety meetings in ninety days will expose us to the program enough to get us started with a sponsor and some new sober friends to hang out with. If we are going to stay sober and do the responsible thing for us and our families we need to do first things first. All the other “good” things should come after our daily meeting, getting a decent sponsor, one who shows respect and emotional maturity, and working the steps.
God is Love. I have run the gambit where religion and spirituality are concerned.I believe in Christ He is my higher power. I use the terms “He” and “Him” even though I believe my Higher Powers are Spirit not flesh. I also believe they could become flesh anytime they want. I use the “Him” term because I am just so used to it, I do hope it doesn’t put you off. Anyway Before I met Christ I had a prayerful relationship with who I call “God the father”. Christ brought me closer to, God the Father. I had one drastic life altering white light experience where I was delivered, yes delivered (one of those religious terms unpalatable to many especially to recovering Catholics & addicts) from a life of deep and twisted addition. I learned allot about God’s Grace and unconditional Love after I turned my back on Him by sinking into a deep dark and long relapse. I say I learned much about His grace because he again pulled me from the mire and brought me into the program of AA. The first time I got sober due to my white light experience I was also involved in NA. I didn’t work the steps or get a sponsor. The second time I got sober I pretty much did everything suggested and learned and worked the steps more thoroughly than most woman I know. (I can say that because I have worked the 12 steps with countless woman and I know to what depth of awareness they worked. Granted this doesn’t make me better or of more value than any soul just self-aware. False humility is not one of my defects I won’t hide behind a mask of false bravado pretending to be unaware of my own accomplishments for fear that acknowledging my progress would be vain or defective. (Pet-peeve sorry) There is a thing called footwork and I have done plenty of it! I won’t stand by and say I don’t know anything either as I have seen countless both blessed and knowledgeable men do. That would be dishonest of me wouldn’t it seeing that I KNOW different. These misguided attitudes are a luxury to those who perhaps fear that if they did acknowledge any goodness in themselves or acknowledge that they achieved (for lack of a better term) an “A” or “B” level of recovery they would quickly be swept away by the false pride that would send them plummeting to their last and final grave & incomprehensible relapse. Let me point out that one character defect (false humility) will not protect oneself from another character defect (false-pride). It’s not the little quirkish traditions of local AA lore that get and keep us sober. And certainly self-degradation won’t keep me close to God or sober for that matter. Let me also clarify what humility really is, it is the awareness of one’s own character flaws or patterns. We acknowledge these patterns not so we can publicly announce them but rather so we may avoid acting them out. Sitting in a meeting and stating that I am garbage without God and the program implies that God does make junk. Do I need God to be good and stay on track? Hell yes! However no matter how reliant upon my Higher Power I am cutting myself down openly or privately is a form of condemnation, harsh judgment and criticism. Ok back on topic…God the supercomputer. For us Bible believing folks we like to validate ideas by lining them up with the word. It’s written that “man was made in the image of God.” The Bible speaks of the “hand of God” and other various body parts such as His eyes, arm, and mind. Scientists have proven that our human brains are a computer of sorts. A fleshly computer to be precise. In deep meditation I have had many visions but most recently I have had visions that make me believe God can download us mere mortals with any program he wishes. He can change out our hard drive or do a complete recovery on us. Is it coincidence that when you clean out a computer it is called a “recovery”? Ok I know what your thinking…Lori’s cheese has finally fallen off the cracker. Lol! When I was delivered from addiction the first time around I was clean for years I stayed on a pink cloud for at least a year. Prior to that I was plagued with anxiety, and panic attacks, I was a heroin and cocaine junky who had to have a shot of dope to get out of bed in the morning. After one touch from God my thinking was changed dramatically. I no longer had anxiety or panic attacks. After one download in a little Baptist church in the meadow. As windows 8 calls it, by one “refresh” I was set in a direction of service and Love toward mankind. I received a new operating system with my files or memories left intact. My resentments were quelled and my sickness abated. I loved my mother again that in itself was a miracle. Let’s face it folks steps 10, 11, and 12 are the maintenance steps when I meditate I get spiritually fed, I get a disk defragging, a disk cleaning, and vital updates. Why is it different this time clean and sober for me? Granted I had much joy my first round of sobriety, I learned allot, I changed in a huge way morally and I became Loving but God had only begun my overhaul. The first time I was sober I didn’t wholeheartedly believe that I was a good child of God. I believed with my head but my heart deep down was telling me that I was bad and of Satan. I still carried deep shame within my heart from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child and my actions during years of addiction. Deep down I knew I would screw things up again. Why? There are three things that I did different this time (I got sober this time in 2006) One; this time I worked the steps with a sponsor honestly and thoroughly, everything came out in my fifth step. Two, I got empathic recovery therapy and learned how to continually share my true, illogical and fearful heartfelt inner feelings. People are usually ashamed of their true feelings because nobody (well most people) wants to be vulnerable or be looked upon as different. The thing is everybody except perhaps true sociopaths have illogical fears and deep child-like feelings that they don’t like about themselves. So we cover them up with the mask, distractions and lies. Therapy taught me to vent these feelings so they don’t fester, or turn to rage, and obsession. Thirdly this time I practiced meditation on a regular basis for the first six years I was sober. What this did is open my mind to receive God’s blessings. Meditation improved every aspect of my recovery and most importantly helped heal me both emotionally and spiritually. When I say “meditation” I don’t mean picking up a book and reading a passage. I am talking about the kind of meditation that takes an hour a day to be still, silent, and open. Meditation when practiced regularly brings a steady flow of continuous spiritual experiences that can move mountains and heal the heart the soul and the mind. Funny thing…different things have different ways of communicating. Animals have their own way, humans speak to humans verbally, computers have their own language, electricity speaks to the light bulb and it reacts, the light speaks to our atmosphere and it reacts and becomes visual, the sun speaks to the flower, the moon speaks to the Earth, even water speaks to our bodies and we live. Action and reaction but how does man speak to God? Should we use our tongue as if God were a man that has ears…perhaps so but God my friend “looks upon the heart” so it is written. Should we not try seeking God with words straight from our heart and then talk to Him with our minds as well? Seek and you shall find but seek with your hearts language for it is the language of truth absent of all the editing that our mind thinks should be done. For out of the heart bursts forth the well-springs of life. Eternal Life“ What is logical to the mind is folly to the heart and what is truth to the heart is valid to God.” |
(This article is based on my experiences in Alcoholics Anonymous for over 10 years. )
Why is it that there are more men getting and staying sober in the program of AA than women? Why is it that we women seem to have more emotional issues that need addressing than men? Partly we just talk about our issues more, men usually repress on a much larger scale. Nevertheless we woman that do stay sober are usually more of the “tomboy” type. The very feminine and highly fragile woman rarely can get through what it takes to stay sober.
Experience teaches that us “ruff” types often bi-sexual women have a much higher chance statistically of staying sober than do the frail and feminine. (taken from Triangle Club Gainesville, Fl statistics (Triangle club meeting schedule) Clearly experience teaches it’s the “alpha” females who stay sober in much greater numbers than the more submissive woman. However, we must learn to make ourselves vulnerable emotionally rather than protecting ourselves emotionally. “Sobriety ain’t for sissies!” So bone up ladies! You can do it but it’s gonna hurt! The bad news is…we can feel again, the good news is…we can feel again. Yes and we have a boat load of emotional issues and character flaws to give to our Higher Power and to ebb-away at.
Most addict women (who I have met) were sexually abused as children, (every stripper addict I knew when I danced (I took a pole) and the women I have gotten to know in recovery have shared this information with me). I have silent theories that this commonality is the “why” behind most addictions. The guilt and shame that a young child will place on herself for something she was not equipped to fend off is astounding and life-changing. We addict woman have learned by the age of ten or younger that we can use our sexuality against men (or women) to control them, manipulate them, and force feed them guilt to get whatever we want from them.
In spite of how men have wronged and abused us it is vital that we see “our part” concerning our resentments so we can not only stay sober but more importantly…learn to Love and keep Love close to us and in us. WE DEPLOY LOVE IN DEFENSE OF FEAR. I am saying Love is of greatest importance in our recovery however we are usually incapable of showing Love or even defining what true spiritual Love is. Often we are incapable of acting out of Love in a truly giving way when we are deep in our addiction. Sobriety must be our priority if we are to fully recover.
For those of us who were abused all we really wanted when we allowed the sexual-predators affection and didn’t run to an adult and snitch the assailant out was someone to Love us. We confused physical attention with Love and we thought to get Love we had to drop our moral boundaries. We thought we had to be hurt to get what we needed. Most addict women suffer in dysfunctional relationships, it goes hand in hand with our addiction.
I have heard many stories in AA. We normally share our story with the group by the time we have 1 year sober. We share “what it was like, what happened in AA, and what it is like now”. Some of us even sold our bodies outright for money to get drugs. We were exposed to many disgusting and painful situations. Some that we barely made it out of alive. It’s no wonder we learned to hate men. It’s no wonder we learned to hate women! They were our competition they betrayed our confidence! Screw woman we thought! We could manipulate men much easier.
But now we must put our “woman’s issues” on our fourth step. We will need other women if we are to heal and stay sober. So we pray for God to put the right woman in our lives so we can experience the “sisterhood of The Spirit”. Men absolutely are incapable of relating to many aspects of our personalities therefore they are of limited use to us in recovery when working through these core woman’s issues. If we have a chance to get into a woman’s meeting we DO IT! These meetings are much more intimate and women will share things that you absolutely will not hear in a regular meeting, shares that are vital for our healing
We begin to let our abuses out of our bag of secrets. We expose some shameful actions of our past in our fifth step with a sponsor and we expose other secrets in the rooms with the woman. We will find that doing so will put in place the connection that we need to other woman. When we listen in our women’s meeting we train ourselves to LOOK FOR THE SIMILARITIES RATHER THAN THE DIFFERENCES! We lay down our staunch invisible walls of defense and blame to let healing in.
Finding someone to criticize is an old survival skill that deflects self-guilt. Criticism feeds the ego that which it needs to go-on however, criticism is not what we need now…we need empathy, we need healing and that will never come whilst seeking differences so we can criticize others. We write ourselves a note “seek the similarities don’t criticize!” and we put that in front of us in every meeting we go to until we have trained our brains and have built a bridge over the sick neuron-pathways called addiction. Our brain-bridge is called “survival for the sober”. Building a sober brain-bridge takes work and a supernatural kick so we start by attending ninety meetings in ninety days and we pray for willingness, clarity, guidance, healing, and for our Higher Power to make a way where there seems no way.
We have deep and embedded trust issues that simply must be ignored to an extent so we can get what we need. We may not be able to trust but we will nevertheless choose a sponsor and work the Fifth Step leaving no debauchery uncovered. That which we want to keep secret the most should be at the top of our fourth step. The Truth will set us free.
We put the “blame-game” in the garbage. We are responsible for processing every feeling that comes into our hearts. If we have sex with a person they owe us nothing! It is our choice whether we have sex and unless we tell the person up-front a price for that sex…they owe us nothing. Not a phone call, not to fix things for us, not to make our choices for us, nor a place to stay they owe us nothing. If we expect something from a person we are in bed with then we should be up-front about it. We can propose that if they are screwing other people we will have to leave the relationship. They are adult they can do as they please. They can make promises they won’t keep. If they don’t respect us then we leave the relationship it is our choice if we stay therefore blame is off the table. Granted we can command respect but it is us who must draw the line in the sand and walk away when it is crossed. We cannot make other adults do anything we can only request and suggest.
If we feel we have been wronged we should call a woman and talk it out. If a law has been broken we may call the cops. We often find when we talk things out with another woman, it is our unresolved issues that are haunting us rather than the person we are in bed with in the present. We addicts tend to carry an ink-blotter stamping “guilty” on anyone we are intimate with once the fairy-tale phase of the relationship is over. Not anymore! Now we journal, we write “fuck you” letters (do not send) to vent our angers. We scream alone in our cars if we have to, it helps and releases endorphins. We beat the pillow, we talk it out with woman but we do not blame anyone anymore for our feelings ever.
Even if we are wronged…can the person process our emotions for us? No! If others had the responsibility of processing and dealing with our feelings then we would be slaves to other people which we are not. We are learning how to take responsibility for our lives and our emotions. It is not easy, it is not for sissies. But you recovery sister, can do it because ‘we’ are stronger and capable of a deeper Love than most women can even imagine. Why? Because of the deep pain you have suffered.
Your emotional pain has carved out a deep dark hole in your heart. You will process that hurt and replace it with Love. That is why we women in recovery are more capable of a deeper Love than anyone who has not been through the trauma that we have. Seek God and The Sunlight of The Spirit and you shall be a vessel of joy, Love, and happiness amidst the tears that have gone un-cried for too long.
WOW! What a scary and unsettling phrase that is! Just where did that idea of God come from anyway? Well the phrase came out of Romans 12:19. It is no wonder that it’s so hard for us addicts to accept a God of the Old Testaments ideals? Naturally with such a violent and vengeful God we don’t have a chance of surviving after this life. A God such as that will surely repay us for every fourth step offense that we have committed and most likely throw us straight into Hell no pass-go, right?
Well step three suggests that we find a God of our own understanding. Many people say that we should at least pick one of the gods that are written of by the wise and spiritual through the ages. These would be gods such as the Greeks and the Romans worshiped such as The Sun God, The Moon Goddess, The God of the Sea, The God of the Earth, The Goddess of Love.
However rather than choosing a god by our intellect we would do better to seek a god with our own heart and God will find us. God will answer our hearts call and tell us in our hearts who It/He/She is. We ourselves have been called many names by many people could not the one true creator also be called by many names? The name that we call our God is not nearly as important as the relationship that we build with God.
As for the vengeance of The Father and Creator of the Old Testament? Well those stories may or may not be true however it may be time for us to add The Father to our fourth step resentment list.
| Some pretty and acceptable words for fear are….anxiety, depression, uncomfortable, nervous. Why are addicts so dang afraid? Perhaps because we were taught to suppress our fears rather than express and release them. Step four has a solution called the “fear list” that very few talk about in the rooms. Perhaps because of the ugly words for fear that we were raised on nobody wants to be associated with scared y-cat, pussy, chicken-shit, wimp, etc.Fear and shame are at the core of every addiction and until we admit we are afraid we won’t seek out the 12 step solutions. The right way to do a fourth step always has fear in the “effects my” category. IMO
Reference page 65 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous for the Fourth step grid directions. Turn to page 68 for the “fear list” directions and how to have fears removed. Revisit Step Three to remind us that we are in the care of our Higher Power. These solutions are part of working the 12 steps of AA. So often people speak in meetings and coin the phrase “live the steps”. These directions are a big part of just how to do that. |
RELAPSE SUCKS BUT THERE IS A WAY TO QUICKLY CLEAR THE EMOTIONAL WRECKAGE. I DIDN’T MAKE IT UP ITS RIGHT OUT OF THE BIG BOOK.
This article has some really helpful (step) writing exercises to get past the horrible feelings that come along with a relapse and trying to step back into the rooms of AA or NA with a clear head and free heart. We who are returning from a relapse are no worse or better than the man with 20 years sober, just in a different place. As people we are all equal but just because our head knows that our heart condemns us and wants us to beat ourselves severely. These feelings can prevent us from re-entering the rooms and making another attempt at sobriety. Our head tells us “what’s the use we will just screw up again?” NOT TRUE because this time we will use the steps and rely on AA to stay sober rather than ourselves. Once we realize it’s the program and our Higher Power that keeps us sober rather than ourselves we can walk with confidence that the program works. All we need do is work it.
Relapse Feels Horrible here is a great solution for the remorse. It’s one little assignment that is tried and true…if we can just pick up a pencil and paper to do it!!! Relapse brings up a lot of guilt and shame which sucks, however it is the perfect time to get some serious baggage off of our heart.
AFTER WE WRITE OUR FEAR LIST with our short explanation of “what happened and how it made me feel” WE ASK GOD TO REMOVE ALL THE FEARS AND CHARACTER DEFECTS WE HAVE CONFIDED IN OUR HIGHER POWER. We share our fear list with an empathetic listener who will relate to us and NOT INVALIDATE OUR VALID EXPRESSION of fears. Women are usually more empathic than men.
Building self-esteem happens when we take one right action at a time. First thing, write core feelings. Write the self-loathing and the feelings of utter worthlessness which addicts feel after a relapse.Example: I feel like a failure, I hate myself for the things I have done to me and others (children especially). Write the fears associated with thoughts like: I let down my fellows, what will they think of me now? I want people to like me but now they will know I am a failure. Write all the society fears associated with relapse. Write the shame of re-entering the rooms after a relapse and what that does to your reputation and how it makes you feel.Our head will tell us this exercise is just making matters worse. Our head will say “why should I replay this it just causes pain?” But this exercise should feel yucky! It goes against our very nature to hide away and repress feelings of inferiority. Then cover it all up with a bow of character defects and blame everyone else. Well that does have it’s uses but it will never get me well. And the feelings I hide will come out sideways eventually at those I love most. So if we are going to feel like shit anyway we may as well feel like crap on our way to getting better than feel like crap on our way to getting sicker. Your choice. GET TO THE CORE FEELINGS THAT MOST EVERY RELAPSER FEELS UNLESS THEY ARE A SOCIOPATH or can’t get honest. These admissions of feelings and fears WILL cut the ego to the quick! These core human emotions, when addressed & processed will set the addict free from anxiety if done thoroughly and regularly.Next write all the fears about security. I lost my house I am scared shitless, I am ashamed I now live in a trailer. Write: I maxed out my credit cards, how will I ever pay it back? My life sucks now financially, all that money I spent, regret, regrets regret! I am afraid I will be homeless! Don’t just write it like your balancing your check book or something, no! Write an expression of emotion straight from the core of your heart words that would embarrass you thoroughly if anyone read them.On a Fourth Step let’s face it folks; if we only write what we are comfortable sharing with others we won’t get a damn thing out of the step work. Write the stuff that you want hidden, write the stuff that makes you squirm at the thought of anybody seeing it! Write the stuff that you have hidden for years!There is a reason that we talk about the three fear groups. Sex, society and security are mankind’s main concern, not just the addicts concerns.When we get into fear 99% of the time it’s about losing our security in one or more of these areas. Therefore it makes sense to write these fears like it instructs us to in the fourth step Big book.After we have expressed our feelings on paper and have listed our fears we re-visit our third step. We remember that God has our back in all these areas and we ask him or her or it to remove all the fears we listed.Next we confess our fears and feelings in a meeting or to our sponsor. We do the fifth step on the worst of these fears and they will lose power over us!It’s easy for other people to tell us to “get over it”. But that’s easier said than done, we can’t take our heart out and put it in the dishwasher with the dirty dishes. Sure some things we can just shrug off but other feelings need a little work to help us process and get out.The people who say “get over it” are often the ones who repress so many emotions that they are one heart-beat from a break-down. We came to AA to learn how to deal with our emotions not how to shut them down and get sicker. Always pray before any step-work so your recovery gets the supernatural kick-start that it needs.AFTER WE WRITE OUR FEAR LIST with our short explanation of “what happened and how it made me feel” WE ASK GOD TO REMOVE ALL THE FEARS AND CHARACTER DEFECTS WE HAVE CONFIDED IN OUR HIGHER POWER. We share our fear list with an empathetic listener who will relate to us and NOT INVALIDATE OUR VALID EXPRESSION of fears. Women are usually more empathic than men. |
| Back when I was drinking and drugging I went through the pains of withdrawal so many times. I went through so many sleepless nights of misery I cannot count. I went through so many fights, betrayals, fears, and neglects and abuses to me and by me both.Now I am older, eight years ago I ran out of gas you could say, I was just done with that life. I sat in one of my first AA meetings scared to death and shaking filled up with so many issues that I had never faced about me. I honestly had no idea who I was. I had developed emotional survival skills that were killing me now it was time to learn who I am and a new set of healthy coping skills.I held the gift of desperation in my heart and the open-mindedness of humble and sacred Hope sparkling like a diamond among a dense darkness. That Hope had to be carefully nurtured or it would be buried alive by darkness and fear of the future. The people in AA said things like, “This minute are you ok do you have what you need?” And I did. They told me “It’s completely natural to be afraid its ok”. They said “If I weren’t afraid something [was] wrong”. They said “Go to two or even more meetings a day if you need to”. They told me to “Express your fears because we are as sick as our secrets”…so I journaled. Slowly my self-confidence rose by working step 12 chairing meetings regularly. I was a sponge that absorbed every recovery tool I could. I still must nurture that Hope unto the end. I choose today to endure to the end no matter how scary life looks. I get up I put one foot in front of the other and I go on unto the end of my days. So I live on and keep that darkness at bay through faith, Love & Hope. Fear would have me take my end into my own hands but be reassured things always, always, get better if we endure and hold on to Hope and Faith. Meditation: There is one thing true that will end a man before his time that is the fear of the future and a lack of trust in a Higher Power that does Love Him. Surely if I choose Love how much more will a God of my own understanding of Love save me from the throngs of death and suffering in this natural life and lead me unto a better eternity. |