THE CARDINAL SIN OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS

WHAT IS THE CARDINAL SIN OF AA?

The “cardinal sin of AA” it is to take a man’s vulnerabilities and use them against him. The other cardinal sin of AA is to gossip about what we have heard shared in meetings and to rub it in and make snide sarcastic remarks about what our fellows revealed about themselves in the meeting. While we hide and wear a mask over our own faults and character defects.

Pointing the finger at other people is how people with low self worth see themselves as “better than”. But they do it at the expense of those who are trying to heal by being honest and allowing themselves to become vulnerable with sponsors or in meetings so they can get better. This is something the evil and condemning heart can and will never do..that is make themselves transparent.

The program works, but does it work because we have found a place where people can tell us how bad and wrong we are for being addicts? Do we get sober because we are beaten into submission? Do we overcome drugs by being criticized and downtrodden? Heck No! RATHER IT WORKS BECAUSE OF THE EMPATHY , UNDERSTANDING AND RELATING THAT WE SHOW ONE ANOTHER. It works because of the similarities we see in one another. Criticism is not a healing agent. We don’t find peace when someone identifies all of our character defects and does a reverse fourth and fifth step on us. If criticism were able to keep us sober and heal our emotional woes we would have been delivered from addiction a long time ago when those close to us began their verbal attacks. But don’t tell your Nazi-like inventory-taking dry drunk sponsor that.

Nowhere in the Big Book does it instruct our sponsors to point out our character flaws for us. Even the word “personal inventory” tells the tale of SELF-EXAMINATION. Sure our sponsors can guide and ask us the right questions to aid us in realizing our flaws.

So then what is the healing agent of AA? I believe it is the show of caring, relating, identifying, mirroring, and firstly listening and understanding each other’s plight and how we feel. Empathy is the emotional salve that shows us the Love our heart craves. Empathy is a caring way of identifying the similarities between us and our fellows. But not just that, empathy then mirrors in a caring way to let us know that it has been through the same pains as we have.

I have been to so many meetings and recovery groups where a person shows the courage to share their heart with the group only to be reprimanded by sometimes as many as 50% of the group. Seems many people just want to tell the topic sharer just how bad, wrong and different they are from other alcoholics as if scolding the alcoholic will help. God forbid if you relapse or have a desire to drink, some people will act like you have committed a cardinal sin. And yet, that’s the very reason we have sought out AA to begin with.

AA members that really want to stay sober should walk into their group or meeting looking for the similarities in our fellows rather than the differences. We should be ready to tell the suffering addict that they are not alone. When a man makes himself vulnerable by sharing his weakness our job is to let him know that we are the same as him. And then we tell the sharer and the whole group just how we have overcome that same weakness. What tools have we learned and used to change? That is what we share.

As for the real “cardinal sin of AA” it is to take a man’s vulnerabilities and use them against him. The other cardinal sin of AA is to gossip about what we have heard shared in meetings and to rub it in and make snide sarcastic remarks about what our fellows revealed about themselves in the meeting. While we hide and wear a mask over our own faults and character defects.

June 13, 2015

Why Do I Beat Myself Up So Much?

Why Do I Beat Myself Up So Much

Why do we alcoholics either tend to be in complete denial about our short comings or we pick up the cat of nine tails and swat our own backs till we bleed. Lets face it most addicts suffer from self-loathing while they are in their addiction. And I know for a fact that old habits die hard as a matter of fact they never really die. We just build healthy bridges over the sick roads of addiction called our brains neural-pathways. I believe that’s why so many of us relapse, we take one wrong turn and we are back on the road toward self annihilation

Okay that’s totally negative yes but unfortunately it’s true in many cases. So I have personally set some ideas to memory. First rule, I always have a choice. Nobody takes my free will away from me short of me being kidnapped, beaten and forced to drink which is doubtful to happen. Next I make a rule that when I start getting into the beat-Lori-up psychological game I get up, put on my shoes and take a walk. Or I clean the house, or I write an article but I definitely “move a muscle and change a thought”. Next I must remember that perfectionism is a character flaw of mine and I have no right to play God by saying I should be perfect. My creator made me with human flaws. I strive to do good but I must remember and accept that I need to give myself a break cause I am human.

But why do we have the tendency to spank and scream at ourselves psychologically? In my own case I surmise from years of deep meditation and spiritually boosted self-awareness that my subconscious believes that if I spank myself when I mess up or don’t do things exactly the way I meant to then the beating will make me do better. The beating will somehow fix me and correct my human-ness. Remember our hearts and egos do not have to be logical or make sense to our intellect. We should not allow our intellect to invalidate our hearts thoughts and what it needs to express by calling it illogical. Our deep seeded ideals of beating ourselves up as a solution to being human most likely stems from getting spanked and put down by my parents and older sister during the formidable years.

Lets face it all childhood punishment really did for me and the women I have talked to about it is breed emotionally sick little children. And hey yes the adults knew no better but that does not change the fact that I need an outlet for my emotions and I needed to learn new healthy ways to express my feelings. Repressing emotions is no longer a viable option. Writing is a top priority for me and the next best thing to sharing with other women or in a meeting. Many of the men in AA seem to think that if we women write one sentence in a fourth step about our deep and savage feelings it will somehow fix us…right. And I am only talking about emotional neglect, where abuse is involved there is even more urgency to learn to emotionally process. It’s either that or go back or or put a bullet in our mouth which many sober addicts turn to unfortunately. When I say “savage feelings” I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about.

When I am in step eleven meditation I give myself positive affirmations which also help me remember I am good.

The Women’s Way Through The 12 Steps is a great way to work the steps it also has a workbook.
Thank you for reading along.

June 11, 2015

Spiritual Experience

SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous 567

The terms “spiritual experience” and “spiritual awakening” are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.

Yet it is true that our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes, or religious experiences, must be in the nature of sudden and spectacular upheavals. Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous.

In the first few chapters a number of sudden revolutionary changes are described. Though it was not our intention to create such an impression, many alcoholics have nevertheless concluded that in order to recover they must acquire an immediate and overwhelming “God-consciousness” followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook.

Among our rapidly growing membership of thousands of alcoholics such transformations, though frequent, are by no means the rule. Most of our experiences are what the psychologist William James calls the “educational variety” because they develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could hardly be accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves.

Most of us think this awareness of a Power greater than ourselves is the essence of spiritual experience. Our more religious members call it “God-consciousness.”

Most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience can recover, provided he does not close his mind to all spiritual principles. He can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial.

We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. WILLINGNESS, HONESTY AND OPEN MINDEDNESS ARE THE ESSENTIALS OF RECOVERY. BUT THESE ARE INDISPENSABLE.

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance–that principle is contempt prior to investigation.” –HERBERT SPENCER

January 4, 2015

HOW IT WORKS

skip to “How It Works”- here “HOW IT WORKS” From pg. 58-60 Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

PAGE 62 OF THE BIG BOOK OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS READS: “So our troubles we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness.”

Skipping down further we read…”First of all we had to quit playing God it didn’t work. Next we decided that here after in this drama of life, God was going to be our director. He is the Principal ; we are His agents. He is the Father and we are His children.” Skipping down again to page 63: When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed.”

Wow that’s a big piece of humble pie to swallow and it’s valuable and true information except for one thing. Addicts are usually totally without emotional balance. Especially when using we tend to blame everyone around us for our predicaments and the way we feel. If you tell us “our problems are of our own making” we will either turn on the guilt, shame, condemnation, and punishment toward ourselves or we reject the idea entirely.

There are two types of addicts, those who have been beating themselves up their entire lives and those who have been beating everyone around them up their entire lives. Seriously we must stop the punishment in spite of our accepting responsibility for where we are at in life and how we feel about ourselves, others, and our Higher Power.

The expert psychiatrists and psychologists who study alcoholism and addictions agree that addiction is not only a disease but is also a [shame based disease]. Once we accept responsibility for ourselves we must move straight-away into our step work and most importantly into our Fourth and Fifth Steps. Taking action and continuing to take action will alleviate the shame and guilt that we try so hard to pretend doesn’t exist. We prefer to stay in denial about our shame and fear because we perceive it as weak, bad, and wrong. But mostly we see our guilt as weakness. And more importantly our perceptions dictate that all eyes are on us therefore we must put on a strong and confident mask for our peers to see.

Remember one of the most prominent Ninth Step promises is “fear of people will leave us”. However, we fear not so much “people” but think about it, rather, we fear what people think of us. Certainly Bill W. and the rest of the early founders should have re-worded that promise in my opinion.

Our fellows will make fun of us if we admit that we feel and think of ourselves as “lesser than” our peers. Right? That’s one reason people won’t do a thorough fourth step, false-pride sneaks in and tells us we mustn’t reveal our true selves lest others despise us and see that we are weak, wrong, and bad.

THE SOLUTION? WE TAKE ACTION AND WORK THE STEPS HONESTLY AND THOROUGHLY IN SPITE OF OUR FEELINGS AND FEARS. WE MUST UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE NOT EVER GOING TO GET BETTER IF WE LET OUR FEELINGS RULE US. WE DO THE STEPS ACCORDING TO FAITH AND HOPE. WE ACT OUT OF FAITH AND HOPE SO THESE PRINCIPLES GROW STRONGER WITHIN US. AND WE DO THE “NEXT RIGHT THING” (see in pop up)
Open a popup window AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN UNTIL IT BECOMES A WAY OF LIFE AND WE REALIZE WE HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED.

“OUT OF THE PROBLEM INTO THE SOLUTION”. SELF ABUSE VERBALLY OR OTHERWISE IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE NOR IS ADVERTISING OUR SHORTCOMINGS A FORM OF HUMILITY.

Page 58 Big Book A.A. “How It Works”
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Remember that we deal with alcohol-cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power-that One is God. May you find Him now!

Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.” Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.

Why Do I Beat Myself Up So Much

The Women’s Way Through The 12 Steps is a great way to work the steps it also has a workbook. Thank you for reading along.

HOW IT WORKS

The Women’s Way Through The 12 Steps is a great way to work the steps it also has a workbook.
Thank you for reading along.